Fogged In…

A couple of days ago, I sat here watching the fog roll in.  It waned in and out throughout the day and then returned with a vengeance at night.  I was intrigued to see how at different times during that 24 hour period, the look and feel of the fog changed.  There were times that is was so thick I could not see across the river.  Yet, at other times, I could see slivers of the many buildings downtown, trying their best to peak through.  In the middle of the afternoon, it looked as if a child had taken a huge wad of cotton and dispersed it half-hazardly over the town I love.

The fog reminded me of one of the symptoms I have with the CFIDS.  I have a confession to make.  It is the most difficult of all the symptoms for me.  This symptom cuts to the very core of who I am and it comes and goes like a thief in the night, showing up announced and uninvited.  When it visits, it does its dastardly deed, leaving me reeling and trying to cope.

The symptom is often referred to by most sufferers of these illnesses as ‘brain fog’.  For me this one symptom poses the gravest danger because it affects my ability to remember.  In order to help you understand, I will have to share a little of my history with you.

As a student in grade school and High school, I was what you would call an average student.  Nothing to write home to mom about, if you know what I mean.  On average, I mostly brought home B’s and C’s on my report cards.  I never considered myself smart or intellectual and actually thought I was on the dumb side of the spectrum.

When I got out of the Air Force, I applied to go back to school through Vocational Rehab.  In order to do so, I had to take a test.  I was praying I would pass.  When the test was over, the man in charge pulled me to the side, and I remember thinking,

Oh my gosh!  I must have bombed!

Imagine my surprise when this individual told me I had placed in the top 10 percent of all those tested, ever.  I was like, “What?”  I think I even told him they had mad a mistake.  He assured me they hadn’t and if memory serves me correctly, allowed me to take the test (a different version) a second time.  I scored in the top 10 percent again.  I was flabbergasted!  He told me he had no idea how I had ever come to the conclusion that I was not smart (I won’t go there) but the test proved otherwise.

It took me a little while to come to terms with the idea that I actually had some brains!  I have to say, I was quite excited to start school!  And then my world fell apart.  Within weeks of starting I crashed from what I now know was CFIDS.  I took the semester off to “recover” and then tried to make a go of another semester, only to become so ill, that I was bed bound and at times, wheel chair bound.  I realized that school was no longer an option for me.  That was in 1993.

Now fast-forward to 2000.  I was doing much better and actually thought I was on my way to a full recovery.  So,  I once again applied to return to the program and again had to take the exam.  This time, however, the results floored me.  I barely passed the test in order to be approved to enter the program.  You see…I was having a really bad day when I took the test.

During the next 7 years that it took me to earn my Bachelor’s, I would repeatedly see the havoc of  ‘brain fog’ on my studies.  It was devastating!  One day I would sit in class and know the subject matter cold, especially if it was English or Literature.  The next day, this nasty thing called ‘brain fog’ would show up, and I would have no clue what we were talking about.  In addition, I would forget people’s names, how to spell, or even how to read.  It was embarrassing, humiliating and emotionally devastating.

This past week has been a constant reminder of the difficulties I repeatedly have cognitively.  It is so severe at times that having a conversation can become overwhelming on a difficult day.  Trying to follow multiples lines of thought is almost impossible.

I remember this class I took at church several years ago and a friend of mine had done this incredible presentation.  I went to compliment her on a job well-done, and suddenly discovered I could not remember her name.  Gone!

Another time, I added 2 plus 2 in my checkbook and somehow came up with 800! I think the best ‘brain fog’ day I ever had was when I discovered my shoes in the fridge and my milk in my closet! 

Seriously!  Lately, there doesn’t seem to be a day that passes that I don’t struggle to recall specific words or ideas in a middle of a conversation, or even when trying to write my articles for my blog.

For me this is the most difficult of all my symptoms because my ability to write and think goes to the very core of who I am.  When I get robbed of that, it’s part of me that I am losing.

Thankfully, my schooling and professors taught me some new techniques to get around the obstacles I endure, and thus, have victory from time to time.  Despite that, it never softens the blow to my soul or my psyche when the ‘brain fog’ kicks in and wreaks havoc.

As Ernest Hemingway once said,

The writer must write what he (she) has to say, not speak it.

While the ‘brain fog’ ebbs in and out of my life, it will continue to be a struggle that I must work diligently to overcome.  While I do, however, I am thankful that I have the ability to put pen to paper and share my thoughts with you.  Every time I succeed in doing so, I win.

Determined to continue forward,