Defining Moment #1: I said YES

I don’t think one thing has been the ‘miracle’ answer for me in how I continue to keep going forward, but my journey to a more positive outlook has come about through a path of defining moments.

One of those defining moments took place at college – Oral Roberts University (ORU) – in the first years I was there.  I was required to take Old Testament survey and I can tell you I was none to happy.  I had been through the whole Bible at least 10 times by that point, plus, I had taken Old Testament courses several times in years just prior to my having to take it once again at ORU.  I remember thinking…

What can I possibly learn this time that I don’t already know?

Just as a footnote…never ask yourself that question.  There is always something new we can learn and boy did I!

So, despite how unexcited I was, it was required so I signed up for it.  It turned out to be one of my favorite general ed classes.  The professor was amazing!  As much as I try, however, I will be darned if I can remember his name.  So for this post, I will just refer to him as Professor Wise.

Professor Wise went through each of the books in the Old Testament, systematically, teaching us how to study each of the books so we could understand them in context.  We finally got to one of my favorite Old Testament books – Job.

Some of my friends, early on in my illness, started calling me “Jobette” and it kinda stuck.  I had always related to the struggles and loss that the book of Job talks about, so it was a book I would find myself repeatedly going back to.  On this particular day, Professor Wise opened his teaching on Job with a comment that floored me.  He said,

Most people who teach on the book of Job, get it wrong because they focus on the wrong thing.  The book of Job is about about answering one question.  If you lose everything, will you still trust and follow God?

I will never forget those words because they became a defining moment for me.  For years I had focused on all that I had lost.  I had spent years  wondering and waiting for the day when I would get it all back and then some.  When I heard Professor Wise’s comments, I broke down and sobbed because I knew in that moment that I had been focusing on the wrong things.

Prior to this defining moment, I had one particular professor who saw faith a little bit different than I did.  One day after class, this professor informed me that I was ill because I chose to be.  I was devastated.  I can’t even begin to describe how hurt and trivialized I felt.  The thought that anyone would think I would chose to have either of these illnesses was unfathomable to me.  Perhaps even more cutting was the fact that it was another Christian who was the messenger of such a horrible comment.

Luckily, I had a professor who I trusted completely, whom calmed me down, prayed for me, and than helped me process through what I was feeling, as well as, helped me determine what was true and what wasn’t. In the end, I left this professor’s office vindicated and free of any anger or bitterness.

A few weeks later, however, I was once again challenged by the very same professor who had told me I was ill because I chose to be.  However, this time, this professor offered me another reason as to why  I was ill.  I was told it was because I lacked faith.

Unfortunately for this professor, I wasn’t biting this time.   I turned and faced the professor and calmly but clearly stated that it takes more faith on any given day, to deal with CFIDS/FMS than most people could ever imagine.  It takes faith to get up in the morning.  It takes faith to do it all over again, day after day.  It takes faith to believe that today could be the day I get well, only to see that healing postponed yet again.  It takes faith to believe my body when it tells me something is very, very wrong, while doctors are telling me it’s in my head.

It takes faith to believe I have worth despite losing everything that used to define me.  It takes faith to come to an understanding that my job is  not who I am.  It takes faith to believe that even if my healing doesn’t come on this side of heaven, that God’s grace will help run this race to the finish line.  It takes faith to lose everything and still choose to trust and follow God.

I believe it takes a special, God-given faith to travel this road I am on.  That day in my Old Testament class, I realized that my focus should not be on what I have lost, but on how I choose to answer the question.

I said yes.

For me, my defining moment was to understand, deep inside, that no matter what I have lost, now matter how much my life has changed, no matter how difficult this road can become, I simply choose to trust and follow God.

P.S.  I wrote the first paragraph of my book today…

Determined to continue forward