If you could see me now, you would see a very big smile on my face even though I am on day nine of one of the worst crashes I have had since I can’t remember when. I am typing my very first article from…a new chair! Nor more sitting on the floor, the sports chair, or my bed…err..forget the bed – that will definitely happen again! 
Over the weekend, a neighbor of mine moved out and threw away an olive green, contemporary, ‘new’, Bench Craft, chair-and-a-half! Ha! That is exactly what I had on my wish list! I had a friend come over and look at it and her eyes got huge! She couldn’t believe he had thrown out such a nice chair! If you didn’t know any better, you would think I just purchased it! Love that!
Not too long ago, I had someone I have considered a friend for quite a while tell me that they thought I was not as ill as I make out. I remember thinking…
Maybe you should try living in this body for a month and then I’ll see what your response is.
I have to be honest in that I found the statement to be very insensitive and hurtful. After living with these illnesses for over 20 years, however, I have learned that I cannot let others dictate my truth for me. They don’t live my life. I do. Only I know how bad or how good it is. In addition, they have no frame of reference to understand this journey I am on. And I get that.
Thinking about the comment, however, reminded me of a lesson I learned a few years ago. You see I have this amazing Pastor who has this incredible gift of helping each person who attends his church to become whole and complete. It is truly a gift. Anyway, he constantly teaches us to process what we are going through. Basically, all that means is that you review what your are thinking or feeling, and then try to figure the why, how, etc. It is a tool that has worked incredibly well for me, personally. It is also a tool that I have had many opportunities to use, unfortunately.
I cannot tell you how many times comments have been made about me or these illnesses in a way that are not encouraging or uplifting. I remember this one doctor telling me that if I had CFIDS or FMS, not to even bother telling him because he didn’t believe in them. The doctor’s comment just floored me!
I remember another situation…actually multiple situations, in which I have been told that I don’t look ill at all.
Anther one I recently recalled was a comment to the affect that I was acting like an old lady.
In addition, I’ve also been repeatedly told by various doctors on numerous occasions that I am not as sick as I think I am. Really?
That last one, gets under my every last nerve, every time. So much so that I finally decided to figure out why it bothered me so much. That’s when I discovered that I had been 3D’d.
You see, I realized that I was angry because those kind of statements demean, disrespect and disregard me. It’s as if I some people suddenly think I can’t possibly know what is going on inside my own body because I now have a chronic illness! But they are wrong. I know exactly what is going on! I live with it every moment of every day. I know when the slightest changes occur as well as all the intricate nuances that now occur in my body as a result of being ill.
That statement serves no other purpose than to disregard the ‘inner knowing’ I have as a direct result of living in this body. It also demeans me as a human being. Even if you truly don’t believe I am not sick, I still deserve to be treated with respect. Lastly, no-one has the right to disregard how someone else is or is not feeling. Furthermore, no-one has the ability to determine what I am feeling but me. Period.
I personally have come to the conclusion that doctors, or even individuals who make these kind of statements, are trying to shut me up. They don’t want to hear what I have to say. In the case of the doctor’s, it takes too much time to provide my care. I have actually been told that. In the case of individuals, they either can’t relate or they simply chose to ignore where I am.
Once I figured out why I was angry and that I was being 3D’d, it was pretty simple to resolve. I determined from that day on that I would not give other people the power to dictate what my reality and truth was. Again…I live in this broken body. Not them.
If I crumble and get upset every time people make such comments, I am the one who pays for it…not them. In this broken body, that kind stress will lead me to a crash every time. That is power and control I refuse to give to anyone.
Even though I am determined not to allow others to 3D me, it doesn’t mean that is doesn’t continue to occur. What has changed, is not them, but me. I, also, can’t say that I have mastered my emotions so that I don’t continue to feel disregarded, demeaned, or disrespected upon hearing those kind of comments, but I can say that when it happens at least now I am able to process it out and take back my power and control pretty quickly.
Sometimes that ‘processing’ is done by myself and sometimes I need a friend to help me sort it all out. Despite the path I take to ‘process’, the end result is this new tool has enabled me to remain more even keeled, so I don’t use up energy resources that I could be using elsewhere for more pleasurable purposes. And for me, that is a good thing.
Determined to continue forward,
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Well said! I suspect being 3D’d happens more to women than men too. I’d like to add another D – Diminished. I used to feel diminished when my feelings were disregarded. Now I try not to let it get to me (with mixed success).
So why are we met with this so often? I wonder if people are frightened by our illness and so try to deny it?
Anyways, love the sound of the new chair. Hope the crash passes soon.
.-= Jo´s last blog ..Difficult =-.
Jo – I agree. I know women get it more than men. I took a male friend to one of my appointments and he was dumbfounded how poorly I was treated. We had the same doctor!
I agree. Diminished, disposed, devalued, dispensed….I could add so many D’s! LOL
I think people feel helpless (not doctors-that’s a whole other ball of wax) because they can’t help. Sometimes it is easier to deny the problem, I think, then to confront it.
I hope you are doing better, too, Jo! Let’s hang in there together, shall we!
Great article, Dominique and I think Jo brings up a good point. Most likely, women are subjected to this kind of treatment more than men and I think there is a reason for that. Most women are more sensitive to the treatment you speak about than are most men. That is not a bad thing, as it is how God made us all. I know how Tammy reacts when confronted with something like that and she retreats within herself. Most men, myself included, will probably confront the issue up front and try to put a stop to it. Again, that is just how God made us and it doesn’t make us any better than a woman. It’s just what we do.
Did any of that make any sense?
.-= LD Jackson´s last blog ..Children of the world or children of America =-.
Larry – Your points are well taken my friend. I have also read that another reason women are taken less serious is because we are still perceived as the “weaker and more fragile” vessel. Because we are more emotional creatures, many doctors still believe that we are just being emotional.
I also think that it has a lot to do with the patriarchal perspective that is still out there that men always know best and women should just submit and do as they are told.
I would not be a good candidate for that kind of school.
Sooo true, Dominique. Thanks so much for this post too.
I like that term “3-D’d” and would like to borrow it…if that’s ok
I too am feeling 3-D’d.
There is so much/many good points in your post. I have learned in other areas of my life to apply this principle of not giving authority, but dealing with my health is a brand new ball game for me (relatively speaking). I’ve learned, just because someone says something isn’t so, doesn’t make it that way. (Too bad it didn’t, for all the times people have said we aren’t sick….well….we’d all be enjoying excellent health!)
I think perhaps, part of the problem is the silly name of it and the fact it is misunderstood. I’ve had more than one person say, “Yah…well I get tired too.”
Also, most of us probably put our best face forward…meaning we try to look as well/happy as possible. Even though we’re feeling crummy, we smile and try to not look as bad as we feel.
Sometimes, we may be feeling better than we did last week, so we go out. People see us out and about…they may even see us laughing or having a good time “Look at that…she’s able to go shopping, obviously not as sick as she lets on” kind of a deal.
I have found, up until now, I’ve been very careful as to who I’ve told and what I’ve told. It hadn’t been too much of an issue…but I’ve been in a bad crash for almost 3 weeks and worse in some ways than before. I’m facing situations and not sure what to say/how much info to divulge (like an upcoming ladies’ Bible study…it’s an evite sent to all asking for a yes or no/reason …. do I tell them the truth …or make an excuse. They all know I have this, have not been out to church in a month, yet not one call/email to see what’s up. I would prefer to say nothing and not have to deal with their comments. Sorry…I’m thinkin’ out loud again.
Your new chair sounds gorgeous! Hope you are enjoying it.
Off to read your post again.
Hey Dominique…simply love your blog! Am going to subscribe to it.
I know how hard it is to have people say “but you don’t look sick”. I actly feel guilty when people see me looking fresh and well rested. I’m sure they’re thinking “she’s just faking her illness…she looks fine”. In fact, stupid as it sounds, I keep doing things till I get exhausted, my eyes puff up, I can’t move without feeling dizzy….and all this just so I can look sick!
Ms F – Wow! I totally get that! It is so sad in our world that we have to feel bad about feeling bad? Unfortunately, our world is geared toward outward appearances so much so that people don’t take the time to ‘look inside.’
I am so glad that you will be coming along for the journey! I hope you are taking it easy today and doing only what you can. Remember, I believe you!