I never agreed to this

As I sat here and watched the darkness descend, the fog raised up and met it halfway,  leaving most of my view blanketed in a thin wispy veil of greyness.  The mood for much of the day has been melancholy and dreary.  Even the wildlife are quiet tonight.

Today was a odd day.  Since it is the beginning of the month, I had to pay all my bills, balance my checkbook, and order all my paper products, herbs and dog food on line.  The ordering part, I don’t have too much difficulty with, but the checkbook and the paying of bills…well, that’s another story entirely!

I must have complete silence when I am doing anything mathematical or anything that requires me to do more than one thing at a time.  Too much stimuli, and I lose it.  Literally.  Today wasn’t any different.

It always seems that when I have to do the checkbook and the bills that is when the neighbor’s dog decides to howl, or my other neighbors decide to have their television sets turned up unusually high.  It just never fails.  Usually I come prepared with earplugs so I can block out the noise, or I turn on my white noise machine, but today that just wasn’t enough.

The dog down stairs was barking at every noise she heard, which in turn meant Dekker had to get in on the action.  I constantly found myself yelling at Dekker to please be quiet until I was done.  I finally had to put him in his crate so I could concentrate and focus on what I needed to get done.  I was just beside myself with frustration trying not to get overwhelmed!

As someone who has always been great at multi-tasking, not being able to do more than one thing at a time anymore is devastating.  I think this symptom bothers me more than all the others.  Why can’t I remember what 2 plus 2 is as someone is talking to me?  But the reality is I can’t. If someone talks to me while I am doing something, everything  just goes blank, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t recall it.

I have finally found a way to balance my checkbook so it stays balanced.  Several years ago I was making repeated mistakes that were costing me huge.  I actually added 2 plus 2 and got 800!  If a friend of mine hadn’t caught it, I don’t know that I would have ever figured it out.  I remember when she told the Social Security Judge that I had added 2 and 2 and gotten 800, he was flabbergasted.  He thought she was kidding.  When he realized she wasn’t, he then realized that I hadn’t been ‘exaggerating’ when I told him I was really having a lot of trouble on bad days functioning cognitively.

I’ve recently noticed in the past 3 years or so that I am now having problems even when I am not having a bad day.  I feel so frustrated when it happens.  It’s as if someone drops this wet curtain between what I know and my cognitive faculties and nothing I do enables me to get through to the information my brain is desperately seeking out.  Sometimes I feel so helpless or stupid.  I know the answer that I am searching for is right there, but I will be doggone if I can locate it. Gosh, that is such a helpless feeling.

My ability to pay bills was no better today.  I do my checkbook in Microsoft Money and keep it in my laptop and I now pay all my bills online or through bill pay.  Even still, just the flipping back and forth between the bank account to the checkbook to my budget overwhelmed me.  I kept getting lost and having to start over.  Or Dekker would bark and I would forget where I was!  It is so stressful!  I can’t even begin to explain…

Usually, I do it all at night when the neighbors are in bed and the dogs are asleep so there is less likely-hood that I will be overwhelmed by external stimuli or distracted.  Despite that, it still takes me several hours to pay my bills and balance my checkbook.  Today, it took me over four hours to get it all done and when I was done I had a headache.

Sometimes I wonder where these illnesses have taken my capabilities.  I wish I could have them back.  I can handle the fatigue.  I can handle the pain…most of the time.  I can handle the weight gain.  I can handle most of the symptoms, but I am really having difficulty with the cognitive impairment.

I sometimes wonder if there will come a time when it will get so bad that I won’t be able to take care of myself anymore.  I know that sounds like it is a bit far fetched, and maybe it is at this point, but I know in the past two years, things have changed.  I seem to do okay within my 4Walls and A View, but you get my outside and I really struggle.  Like the grocery store, for instance.  You walk in and there is music blaring.  There is the cash registers ringing -  people talking – people cleaning and stocking  -  phones ringing – kids screaming and running.  Just the thought of it makes me cringe.  I want to turn around and run out now!

God forbid, that I find the store packed.  That will just send me over the edge.  I have had panic attacks and total melt downs in the middle of the store because I was so overwhelmed by noise and the close proximity of people!  I have been known to leave my grocery cart right where it is and just leave the store.   It all comes back to this cognitive impairment.

I believe in everything I go through that if I look hard enough, I can find a positive.  It might take me a while to see it, but it is there.  Sadly, with the cognitive impairment, I just can’t find it.  What good can possibly come out of my not being able to remember someone’s name?  Or forgetting to pay the credit card bill on time?  – You should try explaining that to the credit card companies! – Or forgetting my own daughter’s birthday!  I just can’t find the positive in it.  I am trying, but…  I want to see it, but I also want my mind back.

This illness never asked my permission when it took my capabilities from me.  I never agreed to this.  Being sick is hard enough but does CFIDS and FMS have to have my memory and my cognitive abilities too?  There’s days, like today, that I think this burden that I carry is too hard.  I want to hand it back to God and tell him, “Thank you, but no thank you.”

I don’t know if I will ever come to a place where I am comfortable with the cognitive impairment.  I don’t if I know how to do that.  I’m not even sure I want to.

Determined to continue forward,