I am still struggling to get over whatever it was that I caught last week. I started taking some de-congestion today and hopefully that will start clearing up my chest, throat, and head in the next couple of days. I will be glad when the coughing fits are over. My ribs are getting very sore from all this coughing.
In addition, today was a bit challenging as my cognitive functions was below par for me. I felt as if I spent the day chasing threads of conversations or thoughts while never really being able to catch them. It kinda felt like…
one of those shrubbery mazes you see in movies where the person will enter them and then they get disoriented and can’t find there way out? There was this sense that my body and brain just were not congruent today. I just couldn’t seem to lock onto one thing, but floated in and out of conversations, my reading, or whatever, like I was completely lost. It always makes me recall the feeling of disorientation I have had after really traumatic events. It’s the same kind of feeling – your present, but you really aren’t.
Anyway…
I have placed two ads for the pugs so I am now just waiting to see what comes next. I’m doing better today with my decision as I feel a sense of peace and in some odd way, relief. I still have moments where the emotions overwhelm me, but I have learned over the years, that walking through the emotional process is therapeutic and beneficial so I don’t stuff it anymore. If I need to cry, I cry. I have learned the hard way, that stuffing feelings take a lot more energy than letting them flow.
I have also learned, primarily through having to learn how to live with CFIDS/FMS, that learning to let go is part of the daily process I must engage in. This illness has the ability to break even the strongest person, so I have found that I must be flexible and learn to bend when needed. I think that, that is why the decision to find the pugs a new home took so long even after I realized I was struggling.
I was unwilling to bend or to let go because of a sense of responsibility and commitment to the pugs, as well as, an understanding of the impending loss and grief that would come when I made the decision.
In addition, I don’t think I have yet adapted to phase III of CFIDS. I think in some weird way, I am still mentally stuck in Phase II. With all that happened this weekend I realized it was time for me to let go and move into a co-existence with phase III. I realized I am not acquiescing, but am actually coming to a place of acceptance. Acquiescing is passive while acceptance is active. In the first, I give up. In the second, I continue forward, fighting with everything I have.
So while I come to a place of acceptance, learning new boundaries and tools to cope within my 4Walls and A View within the boundaries of phase III, I am also at the place that I can once again let go and trust that the ending of one season will bring forth a new season – a season with new challenges, new joys, new projects, new hopes and new dreams.
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that in order for a flower to blossom, it also has to have a season in which it dies; for it is only in a flower’s death that life can spring forth with a new blossom.
So for me and the pugs, I am trusting that this season of change is one that will birth a new season of blossoms for both of us.
Determined to continue forward,
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You said….Sometimes I just have to remind myself that in order for a flower to blossom, it also has to have a season in which it dies; for it is only in a flower’s death that life can spring forth with a new blossom.
So for me and the pugs, I am trusting that this season of change is one that will birth a new season of blossoms for both of us.
WOW those are some powerful words there! Profound.
I am glad you are feeling a little better about this decision.
Peace and Light~
– Harold B. Melchart
.-= Kimberly´s last blog ..Father’s Love Letter =-.
Kimberly – Thank you! Another great quote!
Aww… My heart is with you today…. “Letting go” isn’t easy for us gals, is it? I struggle with it daily… YOU are a woman of integrity and strength, and I am honored to have you in my circle…
You know where I am if you need me.
HUGS
Jolene
.-= Jolene´s last blog ..WHAT THE FRAUD?!? A Doctor pleads guilty. =-.
Jolene – Yes, I do. Buying more cures! LOL I couldn’t resist! Sorry!
You are so right about letting youself have a good cry and not
bottling up emotions. After I read about your need to find
the Pugs a good home I found myself lying on the couch crying
for your loss which seemed so related to my losses from CFS.
I needed a good cry and sometimes it takes a trigger. Your
need to give up the Pugs affected me emotionally deeply and
was the trigger for having a good cry that was overdo. I’m praying
for a wonderful home for the Pugs, that it won’t take too long,
and that you will feel confident it is the right home for them.
Patricia – Thank you so much for your prayers! I think you must be an intercessor, Patricia! I’m glad that God used my words to help you go through your own process of ‘letting go.”
Sorry you’re having another rough day. Although my cognitive dysfunction isn’t too bad most days, I know what you mean about not keeping a train of thought. I have to write EVERYTHING down as soon as I think of it or I’m lost!
Do you take olive leaf? It’s an anti-viral, anti-bacterial, and anti-fungal. Taking it when you have a virus can help to shorten the time that you’re sick (though I actually take it every day to help with chronic viral activation).
What do you mean by Stage II and Stage III? I’ve never heard those designations. For me, my CFS has varied over the years but had gradually improved with various treatments until Lyme hit last year.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Sue
.-= Sue Jackson´s last blog ..Movie Monday 2/22 =-.
Sue – You are the second person to suggest Olive Leaf. I am going out for food this weekend so I will be getting some then. I started taking some gustafesin (?) which does seem to be helping although I am also dealing with a headache today.
I added the different phases that Dr. Cheney talks about in my right column. It is posted under Dr. Paul Cheney and then under “The Three Phases of CFIDS. I really related to this theory when I first read it because I had a period where I did much better and then I have relapsed and not improved since. I also as of the last 2+ years found it hard to function outside my 4walls which is how I understood Phase III to be. Anyway, let me know what you think.
When you got lyme disease, did you know that you had been bitten by a tick?
I’m hoping tomorrow is better to. I think it will be.
I’ll take a look at the Cheney link you provided, though I’m kind of scared to now, after hearing that you were doing better then got worse!
No, I didn’t know I’d been bitten by a tick, but we’d just spent three weeks camping on vacation. Not that that’s even necessary – we live in Delaware which had the highest per capita rates of Lyme disease in the nation for 3 years straight. Almost every family we know has had at least one family member get Lyme at some point. Fortunately, most cases are caught and treated effectively early, with no lingering damage. I think the CFS is making it tougher to kick for me.
My older son has had Lyme twice, and there weren’t obvious tick bites for him either, even though we often pull ticks off the kids after they play outside. They know to use bug spray whenever they go outside, and we try to remember to do tick checks each evening.
I think anyone with CFS should be thoroughly tested for Lyme – the two are so easily mistaken for each other – especially if you have joint pain and/or severe cognitive dysfunction (which almost always indicates some sort of underlying infection) and if you’ve gotten worse over time.
I knew I got Lyme because I suddenly had severe knee pain when I’d never had joint pain with CFS before. Joint pain is a sign of Stage 2 Lyme, so it’s likely my usual CFS symptoms masked the early signs for me, and I’d probably had it a month or two before I started treatment.
Sorry for rambling on for so long!
Sue
Sue – No apology needed. I love hearing your stories, and knowledge! Wow! I had no idea Lyme disease was so prevalent there.
Question, has the criteria for determining someone has CFIDS changed? When I was diagnosed in the early 90′s, you could not be diagnosed with CFIDS if you had any other illness and yet I see many people with multiple illness and CFIDS/FMS. (I know you got Lyme disease afterward so I’m not referring to you – just in general).
Anyway, just curious what your thoughts were.
I really love what you wrote about a flower…..and the photo that you shared is such a beautiful one. Letting go is hard and an ongoing process just like grief. Sending you gentle hugs in this process with your pugs and lower level of health. A season of change is a good name for it. God bless..
.-= Renee´s last blog ..Saturday’s Scribbles =-.
Renee –
I just feel like telling you that your courage in facing losses
and a changed season will and is already helping me to be
more positive about losses. We sure do have to be good adapters.
We should get a Great Adapter Award. It isn’t once we have
to go through the process, but many times over the years as our
health declines. Like you I had one period at the five year
mark that I improved. But due to divorce I had to go back to work.
After six months of working CFS hit hard again. The hardest thing
I’ve ever done was continue to work for another 12 months.
I ran out of sick leave and vacation time and had to quit.
Glad that time is behind me.
Sometimes, letting go is the hardest thing we can do. It is human nature for most of us to try to fight our own battles, but they are sometimes beyond our control. Once we realize that, the battles may get a little easier to fight.
.-= LD Jackson´s last blog ..Delaware doctor indicted for child sexual abuse =-.
Larry –
I too had to give up my dogs because of the CFS. It was hard. I had 2 Silky Terriers. It worked well and they were in good homes where I could see them and they were well cared for. It was hard but in time I adjusted. It has been years and I still remember how much I loved taking care of them and grooming them and just having them here in the house with me. I am sorry you are having to go through this but God will help you.
Peggy – You have no idea how I needed to hear your words tonight. I have been teary-eyed all night. I got a call from a family who wanted them for child and then preceded to tell me their last 2 dogs had been stolen. My heart just fell into my stomach. I called them back and told them I didn’t think it was a good match but my heart is so heavy tonight.
But you are right, God will help me through this and He will bring a great family for them. I would love to be able to see them like you were able to see yours. That would be the best situation all around.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It really was balm to my heart.
Hi Dominique — I’m sure I left a response yesterday…but don’t see it (I must not have hit enter or something like that) but just wanted to send hugs to you. Such a difficult decision (((hugs)))
Linda – That is so odd because I remember responding to your comment. I’m not sure what happened but thanks for coming back and sending me some hugs. I so needed them!
Hi Dominique,
Could I just pray for you this morning?
Dear God I just pray for Dominique, I ask that you would heal her physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
I pray her hope in a brighter tomorrow and future will never run dry or go down.
I pray for grace to continue in the art of blogging because she brings inspiration and joy to many lives.
As she has touched others, Lord please touch her.
Take care of her Lord
I pray
In Jesus Name.
You take care dominique
.-= ayo´s last blog ..My Thoughts Are Rubbish =-.
Ayo – Wow! Thank you so much! You are an amazing man Ayo! What a great heart you have!