One of the most challenging aspects of living with CFIDS/ME/FMS, for me personally, is the daily walking out of this tenuous tension line I find myself constantly straddling.
I call it the, “do I pace or do I push” question.
Basically, throughout the day, every day, I have to ask myself,
Do I push or do I pace?
Everything I end up…
accomplishing each and every day ultimately results from how I answer the above question. I have found that if I stray too far towards the pushing through side, I usually end up crashing and crashing hard. I have unfortunately discovered that Phase III doesn’t have any forgiveness, thus, choosing to go beyond my energy envelope will mean serious payback!
However, if I stay too far over on the pacing side and do nothing but rest, I end up in the a bad place emotionally. I can get really grumpy and snarky if I don’t manage to get out of my apartment from time to time, if you know what I mean. I think I am learning to master ‘snark-i-ness’ and I’m not so sure that is a good thing! LOL!
The daily walking out of this tension line will most likely be a struggle I will never overcome as I doubt one can find a place of perfect balance in this illness. Thus, I have come to understand that I will most likely spend the rest of my days hitting or missing my goal of not overdoing or under doing. Sigh.
As a perfectionist – well, prior perfectionist -and a type-A personality, not hitting my goal is quite frustrating. Despite this frustration, however, I have truly come to understand that there is no such thing as balance or perfection in CFIDS/ME/FMS. I just have be happy with meeting the days challenges as they come and doing the best I can despite what limitations my body may decide to exact on me at any given moment. One comforting thought, though, is that through the unpredictability of these illnesses, I have mastered one area very well – BEING FLEXIBLE! 
So…I thought I would do something fun today by sharing the top five (5) indicators that let me know when I come to that place in the road where the two paths diverge and I have to figure out which one I will take – the left path of pacing or the right path of pushing.
Top Five Indications that I need to rest:
- I find myself becoming snarky with everyone, dogs, birds, weather, bad hair day – no one is exempt!
- I discover I have been engaged (well sort of) in a conversation for twenty minutes but haven’t heard any of it!
- I add 2 plus 2 and end up with 800…and think that’s the correct answer!
- I can’t get passed level four (4) on my favorite Blackberry word game – MOLE.
- I wake up after hitting myself in the head with the book I was reading because I fell asleep!
Top Five Indications that I need to push:
- I am so antsy within my 4Walls that I can’t take it any longer!
- I suddenly realize I have not been out in the real world for almost 6 weeks! Ouch!
- I have forgotten what my friends look like!
- Life happened – no other choice but to push through.
- I need to hear anyone’s voice other than my own. Sometimes I get tired of talking to myself!
I shared these with a bit of humor and sarcasm, but they really are true. What indicators do you use to help you decide if you should push or pace?
Determined to continue forward,
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How very true! It’s such a ballancing act. One time when I did an art peice of living with M.E. I had someone walking a tight rope – which is exactly what you write about so eloquently….And I like your lists!
upnorth – Thank you. It’s funny but I was actually saw myself walking a tight rope while I was righting. Great minds think alike, huh! LOL!
You nailed the quandary with this one! I always try to err on the side of pacing. I figure any energy left over is good for healing, making tomorrow a better day. One thing I do, however, is make sure I get out once a week to do our grocery shopping. I use it as an indicator of how well I’m doing. If I feel like crap after, I know I need to rest up more during the week. If I tolerate it well, I know I’m on the right track. My one big goal is to heal enough to go back to church, and if I ever get to the point where shopping once a week is no big deal, then I know I’m ready.
I can tell I’m over the edge when my eyes twitch, I feel like vomiting, and I want to cry. Then I know it’s time to get to bed, no matter what!
.-= Shelli´s last blog ..Too Much, Too Fast =-.
Shelli – I have to tell you that YOU were my ‘muse’ for this post. I read you post about cooking and it really got me to thinking!
I didn’t realize other people had the ‘eye twitch’! The vomiting and crying I can definitely relate with!
I would highlight these words from this piece you wrote today, Dominique:
“I just have to be happy with meeting the day’s challenges as they
come and do the best I can despite what limitations my body may decide to exact on me at any given moment”
Your list of when you need to pace or push is almost identical to
mine.
Here is my list where it is a little different
When to Pace:
1) I know I need lay down/rest time when my back muscle fatigue
starts screaming at me.
2) My brain fog has gotten much worse.
3) If I’m in a very bad sleep mode I need to rest and pace more.
4) If I’ve become over stressed I need to pace/rest. I have
a CD of music that always calms my nerves when I’m over-cooked.
When I Need to Push
1) Life doesn’t go on hold
waiting for me to have a “better” health day.
2) I need to push if something is urgent or important
3) I get a phone call from a friend and I’ve been very lonely
I will talk too long and pay the price – but like you
I feel like I’m hearing only parts of the conversation
Good thing there is no test! Same if someone shows up
or my daughter and grand daughter are coming to visit.
I don’t turn down visits as they are too rare.
4) I pushed to take my dog Sam to Alaska to save his life
My brother is a vet. My bill was high rising. I could not
do that now, but even when I did years ago it was pushing.
Right now life is giving me a sick dog to worry about and
take care of and reading online about symptoms and decisions
to make. Sammy is 15 tomorrow and because of my being
ill the entire time – don’t vacation or travel, never been
in the hospital, nor has he I’ve remarkable been with him
24/7 for 15 years = 5,475 days – but I’m not ready to let go.
Patricia – That’s a great list!
Forgot to add to my push list
5. I pushed to go to my daughter’s wedding, her bridal
shower, to the birth of my grand daughter, to
her baby shower.
6. Not so wise or smart – but I push because I’m stubborn and
want something done and there is no one handy to do the
task. And when I evaluate it it isn’t urgent or important.
This is the push item I need to improve on. I even
beat myself up for doing this over and over. Dumb hugh?
Patricia – It’s not dumb. We are just all on this journey trying to figure out how to do the best we can as we go along. As we learn from our mistakes, I think we are doing good.
Shelley, I wish you had someone to do your grocery shopping for
you – at least a major trip and maybe you could go infrequently
for a few items. This is what I do to be able to go to church.
Fortunately my church is a 5 minute drive and I sit the whole time
there. Fortunately I have someone that can do my shopping.
I really paid attention to your remark that you error on the side
of pacing. That is very wise.
Dominique–The never ending question, I like the way you worded it “Do I pace or do I push?”. It would make a good song title. I so get this…(as I now all of us with CFS do). I’m in pace mode on the sofa for days and starting to go wacko with needing to get out of the house–and my dentist appt. tomorrow doesn’t really count.
Okay, I like your play game:
Signs I need to push:
-My legs hurt from not experiencing gravity.
-my buns are sore from too much gravity.
-My family no longer recognizes the constant “thing” on the end of the sofa as me.
-No laundry needed because I’m wearing the same clothes…and I don’t remember for how long days.
Signs I need to pace:
-I’m talking in sentences where I leave out any unneccesary words because its too much energy to say a full sentence.
-The house is clean
-my voice is reduced to an incoherent whisper and I’m struggling to breathe (weak muscles). This means I’ve been talking to much.
That was fun Dominique. Back to erring on the pace side. Kerry
.-= Kerry´s last blog ..Pillow Talk Two =-.
Kerry – CAN YOU SEE ME ROLLING OFF MY BED HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING! OMGosh! I so need a laugh today! I love “my buns are sore from too much gravity!” ROTFLOL! Is that similar to bed sores? Oh my gosh!
Kerry you made me laugh. Thanks for the giggle. I also
get the twitchie eye when over cooked. Yes fun game, Dominique.
Another game I have played with myself is the “What is good
about CFS” Some items on this list are: my shoes don’t wear out
, I don’t have to hassel with rush hour traffic or driving in the snow and ice conditions (real bonus), I don’t
have to deal with a difficult boss or co-workers, I don’t have to worry about losing a job since I don’t have one to lose, I can have peace
and quiet almost always when I choose, I pray more and read the
Bible more than before illness, I’m more patient about some things,
I appreciate the small stuff of life much more, I don’t need to
spend money on work clothes (I don’t like formal clothing),
(oh well I did not come up with anything funny like Kerry did
on her list for pacing and pushing) Wondering what your list
would look like Dominique and others.
Patrricia – you would be surprised how many times I have thought to myself that I am thankful I don’t have to work in some of the crazy places my friends do! Totally get that!
Great post, Dominique. I was oddly comforted by your calm pronouncement that you’ll always be faced with these decisions because I always feel sort of stupid when I once again push too hard and crash (duh). I, too, am a recovering perfectionist and struggling to let go of those tendencies. I know I’m too hard on myself.
I loved all your indications. Yeah, I get cranky when I’ve overdone, too. For me, though, it’s primarily physical signs. Any sore throat at all? Warning sign. Any lower body achiness? Beep, beep, beep. Those are my two biggies, indicating I need to be horizontal, plus OI signs, like heart palpitations.
Flexibility is definitely the key!!
Sue
.-= Sue Jackson´s last blog ..An Inspiring and Hopeful Story =-.
Sue – Yup. The sore throat is a huge indicator for me that I went off the cliff in overdoing it!
Great post. I have MS and must ask same every day. May peace find you on your trail.
.-= Diane J Standiford´s last blog ..Bingo at Retirement Home–What a Loser =-.
Diane – Thank you Diane for dropping in and sharing your thoughts. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Dr. Paul Cheney – my favorite CFIDS doctor/researcher has stated int he past that CFIDS has a lot of similarities with MS so I can see how you related to some of the things I talked about!
What a great post! I actually just sent this to my mom because this is an issue I’m constantly talking about with her. The balancing act of pushing and resting. Someone referred to it as a tight rope, and I’ve totally used that metaphor too! It’s really a fine line!
I think I err on the side of resting, but every once in awhile I get a good day and there’s just no stopping me. I *know* I should rest; I *know* I should pace myself, but no– I’ve been given a day of semi-normal energy, and I’m going to do a week’s worth of work with it! This happened Thursday the week before last. I felt good for once, so I cleaned out my closet, painted the inside of it, set up shelving, and reorganized everything, weeding out giveaways as I went. WHEW. Come on, for a HEALTHY person that would have been too much. What was I thinking?? I was feeling it by the end of the day for sure, and I knew my clock was ticking, but the full effect didn’t hit me til the next day. I think it’s a testament to the treatment I’m on that it only took me a week to recover from that. A few months ago, it would have taken… well, probably until now. Haha.
My lists…
Pace: -If I have a sore throat. Definitely a warning sign.
- If it’s a social activity (which I love!) and I’m disinterested, snarky, annoyed, and miserable. I need rest.
-If it’s a mental activity and I can’t think of words (which, as a writer, are my life)– time to rest.
- If I can’t afford to crash the next day- pace!
- If, when exercising, I start to feel light-headed– do not push through! REST!
Push:
-If my main symptom is sleepiness. I stay sleepy for long after I wake up and long before I go to bed, so this is something I just have to work through sometimes.
- If, by not going to something, I will feel like a spectator in my own life. Risk it.
- If I just don’t want to go and I’m using my poor baseline health as an excuse. Lame. Go. (Unless it really is unnecessary… I’m mostly referring to class here).
That’s what I’ve got! Thanks for raising the point!
~Robyn
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..What about ME? =-.
Robyn – I totally relate! Ha ha! I loved your list. I get the sore throat and swollen lymph nodes as well.
Gee, I thought I was the only one that got snarky? You mean you get snarky too? LOL!