Deferred Expectations

Some how I have learned to accept that loss is an integral part of having CFIDS/FMS.  Most days I can let go of past dreams … past hopes.  I understand that I have to re-assess my priorities, my boundaries, and my expectations.  But what do I do with the continual sabotage of daily expectations?  How do I cope with the repeated assault by these symptoms on the simplest of my desires?

Do I let go of them as well?  Why does the deferment of even the simplest expectation produce the most profound sense of loss … and alone-ness?  Why is it that I have to continually and repeatedly suffer new losses, almost on a daily basis?

Expectations that are continually deferred…

are a major component of CFIDS/FMS, but they are something that continually evades my ability to accept.  Things that use to be so simple, now have become so complicated.  Tailoring back helps but again … there is that sense of loss … sadness.

Part of being human is the anticipation of what may be … of what will come.  Anticipation births hope.  Hope births vision.  Vision births passion.  Yet, with CFIDS/FMS, that anticipation is often dulled by the reality of repeated deferment of my expectations.

At one point in my life, my expectations were so high and lofty only God could have attained them.  It was right for me to re-assess and adjust them.  But today, the simplest expectation is often challenged … and delayed or defeated… by exhaustion, pain, memory problems, confusion and on and on.

So again, how do I come to terms with the daily onslaught of deferred expectations?  Do I once again re-asses and lower them?  That goes against everything I believe in my core.  Yet, I wonder how many disappointments I can suffer before my heart decides enough is enough and chooses to no longer believe and hope.

My will is strong and it has endured for over twenty years.  But is it truly possible to continue forward knowing how many expectations have been cast aside these past years and not lose hope?  Am I able to choose to overcome the sadness that invades my soul from time to time when memories of better days flood to the surface?  Can I continually choose to believe and hope for a better day when my heart longs for a time when my life was filled with nothing but possibilities?

Perhaps my focus is misplaced.  Expectations have been the vehicle that propelled me forward all my life.  Maybe now the time has come to find another catalyst to overcome the loss of expectations.  But what would that be?  How does one continue to be excited about the future, when the present is often full of delayed  or deferred expectations?

I’m not sure that I have come to a place where I have found the answers to my questions.    Yet, these questions and introspection have been rambling  around in my heart and mind this past week.  So much so that I suddenly realize how much the repeated loss of expectations has profoundly affected me over the years.

I am determined to continue forward.  I am determined to accomplish great things.  I am determined to never give up.   Despite that, I must acknowledge that the repeated loss of expectations continue to leave post signs along this journey,  reminding me that what I have determined in my heart may not always be within my grasp, as a silent entity within me continues to create havoc of my dreams, desires and expectations.

While I will continue to fight and gain ground, I must also learn to acknowledge the probability of deferred expectations so that my heart and soul do not become so scarred by repeated loss that I lose faith, hope or anticipation of what is still possible.

That acknowledgment enables me to choose to continue forward and fight against this silent entity that wants to steal my dreams. That acknowledgment affords me the ability to keep hoping for a better day.

Determined to continue forward,