The rumbling, rhythmic snoring of little Dekker seeks to remind me that I am not alone as I sit here in the early hours of the day. The darkness of night has blanketed the world around me and brought a welcomed stillness into my otherwise disjointed world. I find myself drawn to these hours even though I am, naturally, a morning person.
It is in the stillness of the night where I now I find…
solitude. No phones ringing. No laptop reminding me of messages yet to be read. No ‘friendly’ neighbors sharing their love of music with me. No dogs chattering through the walled barriers of their homes. No children screaming with delight as they race past my window. No interruptions at all. There is something wonderfully calming and serene about sitting here, wide awake when the rest of the world is fast asleep.
My brain no longer has to process the multiple sounds of domestic-ness: the washing machine tumbling back and forth, the dishwasher whining noisily, or the toilet running endlessly. I can actually hear the birds chirping their messages in the wind. Again, a reminder of this treasured solace I have found in the silence of night.
The dusty furniture has no power here. The stacked dishes are hidden from my sight. The days chores pushed to yet another day. Decisions linger in the background, far enough out of reach that their affect has been diminished.
My body longs for these moments where it can retreat from the onslaught of constant, daily stimuli. It inhales the soft, subtle, airy silence that it finds itself immersed in. Who would of thought, just 10 years ago, I would long to sit, alone in my big chair, embracing the quietness of the night.
But here I am. Here I was. And here I will be again.
Determined to continue forward,
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My Heart goes out to you. I am glad you are writing about your condition and making people aware of how it feels to be consumed with it and the world it puts you in. I know of other people that have the world of pain also but bless their hearts most of the hurt they manufacture in their mind only, but it is real to them as if it is their real world. I will be 70 in October and I feel for the younger people and what they are going to go thru in their lives. May God Bless You and give you peace with what you are going thru. I know you Pray and when He is ready to answer the Prayer’s you will be blessed I am sure. I hope it is very soon. I love your mind. Jerry
Jerry – Thank you for dropping by and sharing your thoughts. I’m not sure how to respond to your comment about “people that have the world of pain [...] they manufacture in their minds [...]. I don’t know them but you do, so I will leave that to you.
Yes, young people have much to face now days. I often wonder what my daughter, son-in-law and grand-daughter will be faced with in the days, months and years to come. Our world is quickly changing.
I believe God always answers my prayers. Perhaps now always how I would wish, but I’m okay with that. I know that he is a good God and He had a plan for my life.
Thank you again, Jerry for dropping by. I look forward to ‘seeing’ you again.
Your description is so vivid I can see it all in my head. Enjoy your solitude and silence..
.-= Renee´s last blog ..CFS/ME/Lyme: The Gifts That Keep On Giving =-.
Renee –
The middle of the night is when I find myself wandering my house also. My dog and cat walking behind and happy to plop down wherever I end up. It is peaceful and quiet, with all the lights out on the block. I used to obsess that I wasn’t sleeping, but I have no where to go in the morning, so I enjoy the night’s silence now…instead of fighting it.
xoxomo
.-= maureen (mo)´s last blog ..I’m not pretending I’m “normal” anymore =-.
Mo – Totally get that. Thanks for coming by and sharing your thoughts. Hope I ‘see’ you again!
There was a time in my life I craved solitude as it was so preciously
rare. Now with being homebound the pendulum has swung far to the
other direction of having much solitude. I find it interesting, Dominique, how
you describe solitude as a respite from all the noises of the
day that surround you. I’ve always thought of solitude as being
alone time after being around too many people for too long.
I don’t want my abudnance of solitude to continue to arose strong
sad feelings of lonliness. Solitude is a gift. Can I make
friends with loneliness? Can loneliness be a familiar companion
that doesn’t have to bring sad emotions with her when she visits.
I like the way you take a challenge and covert it into something
positive. Your making the best out of what you have been given.
If I cannot make loneliness stay her distance then can I at least
make her into a friend that doesn’t spoil my abundance of solitude.
I’m rich in solitude and realize the work a day world would like
to borrow some of mine.
Patricia – I love the way you come here and process through my posts. I always discover something through your perspective I hadn’t quite seen when I was writing. Hope all is going well with you and Sam! Hugs to you both!
Many years of sunshine with Sammy and now I’m focusing on gratitude
as I continue to care for him. I have dealt with kidney failure
before with my Annie Girl cat. It is difficult when he barks
for food but doesn’t want anything I offer to him. Sometimes
he eats; mostly very little. This time will pass and then I will
have many wonderful memories. My health and income means I should
not try to take care of another dog; but my heart isn’t in agreement.
Patricia – Wow! I totally understand that. I was thinking about when Dekker’s time comes it would be really hard not to get another dog. There are such awesome companions, but on the other hand, there’s a lot of work that comes along with it and emotional output.
Were you able to take him to the vet and that’s how you found out his kidneys are shutting down? Gosh, I am so sorry Patricia. My heart just breaks for you and for Sammy. You are right, though. You will have wonderful memories of him. I find myself laughing at some of the silly things Bronte you to do when I find myself missing her.
The symptoms of kidney failure are pretty clear and like I said
I had a cat that suffered the same. I also have a brother who
is a vet and have talked to my vet. All are in agreement.
I did not take him to a vet as I know it would be a lot of money
to find out what I already know and Sammy being 15 it isn’t
prudent to spend money I cannot afford when the prognosis is poor.
That is part of the grief were money not an issue I would do
the heroic if it would bring him more comfortable days — but
I think the stress of being in a clinic hospital staying with
strangers and other sick animal sounds it would cause him a lot
of stress. At home he has much comfort, security, familiarity and love and that means
a lot.
Patricia – Wow! I am so sorry. You are amazing, though. Sammy is lucky to have spent all these years with you. And I’m sure you think you are lucky for having him!
The title definately got my attention. Dominique, this was written quite profoundly. I think what you are doing by sharing your journey with others is fantastic.
.-= Kimberly´s last blog ..Redeemed from the Void =-.
Kimberly – Thank you!
Boy, that anti-spam thingy was good for me, not as easy as it should be perhaps – but good *smile*
This is such a wonderful post – the stillness… I have spent many a night in just such a state.
I wish you the beauty and peace of stillness of soul.
hiddenlives – Thank you so much! I’m so glad you came by and left a comment. I hope to see you again!