This past week or so has been incredibly challenging for me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have chosen not to write about this period as I didn’t really want to get into the details of the stress producing situation. However, this morning, I received information on two (2) fronts that sent me into overload!
As someone who lives with a chronic illness, stress can have a devastating affect on my body. And for me, today, my body was sent over the edge. I think somewhere deep inside I thought the situation would work out and my body would adapt if I took it very carefully. What I didn’t realize is that the situation was going to go into hyper-drive! And then the delivery of some devastating news this morning would just cap off the whole ‘crash’.
This morning I received a call from a friend at church who informed me that one of our mutual friends had suddenly…
died Sunday morning. I was stunned to say the least. To be quite honest, I wasn’t up to par to begin with, so, the news just helped me over the edge physically. I know my friend is with God but my heart is still sad and stunned.
In addition, the main event that has been happening over the last two (2) weeks has been taking place in my daughter’s wedding. Weddings are supposed to be about celebration but my daughter’s has suddenly taken a horrible turn. An aunt – I’ll call her aunt Z for my purpose here – was asked to be part of the wedding party. As of the past two (2) weeks, Aunt Z has done everything she can to try to sabotage my daughter’s wedding.
We couldn’t figure out for the life of us what the problem was and tried to resolve it to no avail. My daughter’s fiancée, this past Friday, met with Aunt Z to work things out. After the meeting, we were advised that all was good.
However, on Sunday, Aunt Z dropped a bomb and she and her husband decided they no longer wanted to be part of this wedding and pulled out. That in itself was not enough. She will be taking many of her family with her, it now appears.
We are now 10 weeks from the wedding with no idea who will now be attending the wedding, the bridal shower, bachelorette party and as of now, there is no best man, a possibly missing grooms-man, no bachelor party, no rehearsal dinner and many partially paid bills (that aunt Z wanted to pay) that look like will not be taken care of now, such as the limousine.
If she hasn’t done enough damage, today she is sending mass emails ‘explaining’ how she no longer wants to be part of the wedding. My poor daughter. And her fiancée is devastated! We are down to the point where we were fine-tuning the last-minute things and now we are having to go back 10 weeks and redo what we thought was done.
It appears Aunt Z isn’t overly thrilled with Rachael marrying her nephew, especially since I taught Rachael to be her own person and stand up for herself.
What a mess. Anyway, I don’t bring this up to garner pity or sympathy but to talk about how being humans we cannot get away from the unexpected stresses that occur in living out our lives. Unfortunately, for me, I end up suffering physically when stress steps into my space.
Sometimes I can counter it by meditating and having my quiet time, or by chatting with a friend, or even taking a really hot bath and listening to some quiet jazz. But … there are those stresses – like these today – that come along and hit me like a two-by-four and I have no control over my body’s reaction.
For me, this situation has now resulted in headaches – lots of them – fatigue, dizziness, balance problems, losing my voice, 9 days of sleeplessness (minus one night I got 8 hours), hyper-skin sensation, which basically feels like someone pour acid on my skin and leaves me not wanting anything touching my skin – not even my clothes, ringing in the ears, baseball size lymph nodes, sore throat, inability to watch tv/video for very long, and on and on.
I find this aspect of CFIDS and FMS extremely difficult to deal with because – dare I say it? – I can’t control the outcome. Phew! I said it. I hate not being able to do A because my body decides to do B!
I have no desire to live in a cave but sometimes I wonder if that is what it would take to not crash at all?! I mean, really.
While I am heart-broken for my daughter and her fiancée, I am also now bed bound, once again.
I’ve seriously been thinking of designing an outdoor theme for my bedroom since I spend so much time here lately. Like maybe … a jungle theme with the animal noises in the background! LOL~! 
At least it wouldn’t feel like I’m holed up in ‘a bedroom’ more oft than not!
I guess it could be worse. And just would that be?
Determined to continue forward,
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I can only comment as an outsider. I have had my share of weird family dynamics and it sounds to me like pure manipulation. The only thing that I have found that works against these types of bullies is to hold your head high and walk away. She is well aware of what she holds as far as finances and she is aware that she has the power to “ruin” a beautiful day. Do not let her do that. Regroup and remember that the day is a celebration of the union of the two of them and their true friends and family. I know it is easier said than done but I have truly “been there done that.” This is cruelty and to do this on their wedding day makes it more so. Don’t let her do this. To you or to them. I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds. Obviously, this is a sensitive subject for me. All of the “things” she provided may have been nice but do your best without her.
Rosemary Lee´s last [type] ..KICKING THE HORNET’S NEST
Rosemary Lee – Thanks for sharing your comments and obviously, your experience with this. We are regrouping. My son-in-law to be is dealing with his emotions first and we are back tracking and figuring out what now needs to be redone, remaking calls of confirmation and what not. My daughter is determined to handle this with dignity and not get into the gutter. I’m proud of her and my son-in-law. If they can survive this, they can survive anything.
Thanks again for you insight. It is much appreciated!
Your “Aunt Z” is clearly on a power trip, and not at all concerned about the happiness of her nephew or your daughter, as she is not content to simply bow out of the wedding herself, but also take her financial support, and her friends and family with her.
As the mother of the bride, it is up to you to help your daughter and her fiance rise above this hurtful situation and remember what is most important, as Rosemary stated.
There is no talking w/ your aunt about this; she will not see her cruel ways. She’s too self-absorbed.
I think that once you get your love for your daughter aligned and focused on her, you will begin to feel better, physically.
I know this is not easy to do, what with the “unfairness” of it all, but it’s the only thing you can do that makes sense. You can’t change your aunt — no matter how hurtful her actions.
Look luck to daughter and fiance and to you. I’ll say prayers.
Amy Yannello´s last [type] ..Increasing your brain size, one + sign at a time
Amy – I totally agree with you and Rosemary. We are moving that way as I ‘speak’. I have no doubt we will get this wedding pulled off without a hitch. I just hope and pray my body can bounce back. I am again in bed today and am losing my voice which is usually an indication that my body is going into a severe crash.
But I am determined to see my daughter and son-in-law to be have their ‘prince and princess’ day!
While my situation is not exactly like yours there are some similarities. My daughter was married a few months after I became ill. All the planning we had done had to go completely out the window as she took over and pushed forward without me.
The guilt that I felt was enormous and I carried it around for quite awhile. I am not a flaky person and when I promise to do something, I always follow through.
I remember a few months after the wedding my daughter caught me crying. When she asked what was wrong, I finally told her because I could no longer live with the guilt I was feeling. She looked at me and said “I don’t care about any of that because I all I cared about was you attending my wedding”.
In an instant, the load of bricks (my guilt) I had been carrying around vanished. Her words healed me.
Who knows why some family members act so weird at the most important times of our lives? None of my siblings came to her wedding and did not even bother to RSVP.
I’ll bet your daughter’s wedding turns out beautifully. And you won’t have Aunt Z to worry about anymore. I hope this brings you some measure of comfort.
Michelle – It does and thank you!
So sorry you had a rough week. That family dynamic sounds absolutely terrible. It’s hard enough being sick let alone dealing with all the stress of life. I hope you pick up again soon.
And the outdoor theme for the bed room sounds like such a great idea. I’ve often thought about something like this.
Take care.
upnorth´s last [type] ..Teagan at the beach
upnorth – LOL! I could picture you doing something like the jungle theme!
Thank you!
I am so sorry to hear all that is going on with you right now Dominique..First of all please know you are in my prayers for the death of your friend. Second of all, i am praying for you concerning your daughter’s wedding and all the stress with Aunt Z and finances, etc. This is a huge deal and it is not a surprise that your have crashed and are in bed. A healthy person would be too!
You said you raised your daughter to be strong and speak her mind…in time that will help her in this situation, but it is so sad that this had to happen at all. Over the years Joel has officiated at so many many weddings, and you see the worst come out in people who are dysfunctional. Lots of stress…control…opinions….etc. It is your daughter and future son in laws day…no one elses….
I remember at one of our weddings, we had paid for all the reception food and ended up with quite a bit left over. We thought we would just take it home due to our large family and the costs involved…but my daughter’s mother in law took the food to a shelter without our knowledge! Just one of many things with that wedding we had to let go of….not a big deal, ya know, but so surprising! What has happened with your daughter is worse for sure but hopefully it will be resolved and all will turn out well! Lifting you all up in prayer!
Renee´s last [type] ..Eye Am Not Amused
Renee – Your story reminded me of my second wedding. My mother has spent day to make my favorites like real pate. His side of the family bagged it all up and took it with them! We were stunned because my mom and sister had planned to put it in a picnic basket for the honeymoon. So much for that idea! LOL!
Oh, you guys are making me feel so much better.
I am really bad today. I have almost lost my voice which is worrisome because I usually end up with a severe crash when that happens. I am also running these weird ‘spiking’ fevers. One minute I have one and the next it’s gone. So I know my body is REALLY struggling.
Thank you so much for all your prayers. It means the world to me.
I echo Rosemary Lee’s comment! Wow…
I too feel for your daughter and hope they can move around this and not give Aunt Z any more power. Having had my own similar difficulties with my wedding…I hope they are able to not let this have a lasting effect on their special day.
And…I also hear you about the not being able to control the outcome thing…this is me to a “T”! I hope you’re back on your feet soon, Dominique. (((hugs))) to you…
Linda´s last [type] ..Homeschool, Highschool, Graduate
Linda – Thank you! What is that saying? One day at a time! … or maybe in this case … one moment at a time!
I have a sister who was wisely counseled to focus on the real meaning of the day instead of all the pomp and circumstances. As luck would have it, everything that could possibly go wrong did (including the cake not showing up), but she and her darling husband just smiled through the whole thing. And boy does she have a story to tell now! Plus, she gets to spend the rest of her life with the man she loves most in the world.
I don’t know why people act the way they do. I just have to shake my head and wonder at their own “hidden illness,” whatever it is that causes them to be mean. I hear you on the stress thing, though — it is my main trigger for crashes and relapses. I hope you’re able to separate yourself from the drama and recoup.
Shelli´s last [type] ..Lessons from Nemo
Shelli – Wow! I am stunned at all the stories! Thanks for telling me about yours. I am recouping. I have a feeling its not JUST the wedding. Our weather has been so weird. One minute we have rain then we have nice weather. I don’t do well with the barometric pressure changes and we are having so many of them.
I will get better and I am resting … in bed! LOL! Thanks Shelli!
Caramba! When days like this come along there’s nothing much to do except dive under the duvet and punch pillows. I’m sure you’ll handle this but it is not a great place to be. I hope the physical symptoms settle down for you soon. Lots of hugs coming your way . . . ((()))
Jo´s last [type] ..Jogalates
Jo – Okay – what does caramba mean! I loved your fagging word! ha ha.
Thank you!
What can I say except how sorry I
am to hear that Aunt Z is causing
so much hurtfulness; especially
that you are being hurt physically
by all the stress. I will be holding
your recovery in prayer and that
tuning out Aunt Z and working with
your daughter you can come up with
plans that are even better because
I’m sure your focus will be on the
meaning of the day and that will result
in an even better wedding day than ever.
Just think if Aunt Z waited until the
wedding day itself to make trouble -
who knows this might be a blessing
in disguise. I know the loss of
some guests is sad and having to
change gears is difficult but I’m
praying that the day will be better
than the original plan.
Patricia – We have actually talked about how this may indeed be a blessing in disguise. God forbid she pulled this at the wedding reception. Snark-iness might just reach a new level! LOL!
I think someone needs to explain to Aunt Z that this is not about her and her wishes. It is about your daughter and her soon-to-be husband. In other words, she needs to sit down and shut up. Enough said.
LD Jackson´s last [type] ..Illegal immigrants and their children
Larry – I so wish it was that simple.
Oh life–what a lot to deal with–set extra stress on top of chronic illness, it sure does take a toll. I’m sorry about your friend Dom–that loss alone is a big one that requires its own energy of grieving.
Weddings–I believe whole heartily that they are occasions for all to take the “high road”. There is no room for “petty” or taking things “personally”. Yet, it seems to be the “norm” that something challenging arises, such as your situation with Aunt Z.
I think that “Aunt Z”‘s removing herself from the wedding (and anyone who might follow her) is a blessing in disguise. No matter how many people will be at the wedding (or at the shower), it will be people supporting and loving your daughter and her husband.
If Aunt Z doesn’t come around to what’s important…good riddance. Wishing your daughter, her fiance (and you) peace, as well as beautiful moments to celebrate your relationship as mom and daughter, during this special time. Big gentle hug to you Dom…
Kerry´s last [type] ..Second Home (chemically safe home)
Thank you so much for everything you said.
So sorry to hear that your body has chosen this time to take this pause. Don’t you just hate it! It it so hard when you so want your body to cooperate and it just decides not to.I pray that this will be over quickly and you will slide into recovery mode soon. I know your mother’s heart just breaks for your daughter and her man. I see it as very positive that he has chosen to stand with her and not be drawn into the drama that Auntie has tried to bring. May your rest be rejuvenating and refreshing. Do what ever you need to, for yourself over the next few days. Don’t feel bad that you need to take the time to be kind and nurturing to yourself. Be blessed.
Ruth – Thank you! I have decided to take as much time as my body needs to recuperate. Hopefully, this won’t be a terribly long crash.