Coming to terms with loss and reality

For the past few days I have been sleeping, resting, and sleeping!    I have been so utterly exhausted I haven’t been able to do much else.

Monday I got out of my ’4Walls’ and went with one of my friends to Tulsa.  We decided to hit one of the malls after the errands were all done.  It is amazing to me how the smallest thing can suddenly stop me dead in my tracks.

I was…

at Dillard’s (I think) and I saw this key chain with the Eiffel Tower on it and was thinking about how I have always wanted a key chain of the Eiffel Tower.  Then I suddenly  realized that I had no keys to put on the key chain because I had no ‘home.’  Talk about a reality check.  Wow!

At another moment in time, I was thinking of how it would be Fall when I return to Tulsa after the wedding and it would be blue jean season again, which I love.  Again, I suddenly realized that I no longer owned a pair of blue jeans.  Furthermore, I remembered I had no Fall or Winter clothes!  Holy Cow!   That sent me reeling!

I had another situation where I reached for my Bible only to again remember that I no longer owned one of those either.  This one has been most challenging because, after all these years of searching, I had finally found a Bible that fit me.  The New American Standard Version that was laid out by date.  One more thing I have to replace.  (head shake).

I can’t explain the emotion that goes through me at that moment, but it’s as if there is this void that I know logically is there but my heart just hasn’t quite grasped it yet.  And so when I suddenly come face to face with the void, it’s quite shocking and saddening.

It was happening so often over the weekend that it was really getting me down.  So I decided I needed to make a plan and then start working the plan if for no other reason than to give myself something to focus on other than all the loss I am enduring.

That actually helped a lot.  But it’s still so startling when I am confronted with yet another ‘thing’ that I have lost.   And most of these are possessions.  I’m not even looking at the losses I may be facing physically.

To be quite honest, I don’t think I am at a place right now, where I can even contemplate the possibility that the neurological damage may be permanent.  I have come to terms with the damage to the my lungs being permanent.  But I just can’t accept that the neurological may be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.   I just can’t.  Not yet.

I have to face today and not focus on what may or may not become my reality tomorrow.  Somehow, it makes today easier to walk out.  I can even deal with the funny walk, the tipping over, losing my balance, etc, if I think of it as a temporary situation.  I think anymore than that, will push me over the edge.

I guess in a way, this is my line in the sand for this moment in time.  It is what I can handle emotionally without completely falling apart.  It is what I am capable of handling – at least for now.

When I look at how I am struggling cognitively, that brings me to tears.  Even typing this post has become such a struggle.  I just can’t seem to get my brain to function properly.  Everything is all jumbled up.

Every time I proof my post, I find so many mistakes in it.  Sometimes, I struggle to figure out what I was trying to say.

The manner I am struggling with in getting my thoughts down in my post, I have moments where I have the same problem when speaking.  Many times, I find myself stuttering as if the thought is just stuck and won’t come out.  Other times, I just don’t remember at all.

A little unnerving to say the least.  But I have hope that the detoxing I have started will help my brain recover.

I’m also wondering if perhaps some of my gait problems might be due to an injury to my back when the chemicals overtook me and I fell unconscious on the floor.  I’m actually going to see my chiropractor to see if that is a possibility.

The dizziness and shaking are still continuing.  However, on the positive side, they aren’t getting worse, so that is a good thing.

Some of my readers have reminded to allow the sadness when it comes.  I am doing that.  I am embracing my grief however and whenever it reveals itself.  I know that my emotional recovery from this unbelievable situation will only come if I open myself up and allow myself to feel whatever it is that I need to feel at any given moment.

I’m also talking it out with my friends which helps as well.   All in all, I’m doing pretty well, I think.  It’s not the way I had hoped my summer would turn out, but it’s not a complete wash.  As a matter-of-fact, I am learning quite a bit.  There is always a lesson in everything I go through.

I will share some of the recent lessons I have learned in another post as well as some good news.  For now, I am comforted just understanding that I am coming to terms with the reality of my situation and my loss.

Determined to continue forward,