By most people’s standards, I should be ripping mad. And maybe I should be. But something deep inside me tells me that the only person that will get hurt through my anger at the apartment complex and the management company, is me.
I have chosen, instead, to forgive them and move on.
After a three day hospitalization, the VA discovered that my lungs are permanently damaged. I am now on three (3) inhalers as well as a completely new medication. In addition, they are not sure if the neurological damage is permanent. They are giving me three (3) months for my body to overcome the chemical poisoning (their words) and see how I am doing.
If at three months, I am still having problems with my gait, speech, and whatnot, they will start doing MRIs, EMG (?) and so forth. The doctor that originally saw me said my neurological deficits “scared him.”
I did not do well with the neurological testing. I can no longer…
put one foot in front of the other and walk (like when your drunk and you have to walk the line), I can’t spread my fingers and push back against the doctor’s hands, I can no longer walk on my heals or tip toes, and I am still losing my balance and titling. I addition I have developed a stutter (that comes and goes) and am having major problems with memory.
I also discovered in the hospital I am now hyper-sensitive to new chemicals/smells and normal noises. My friend tossed Dekker’s metal bowl into the laundry basket and it sounded like a gun shot was fired in my head.
I am now homeless and have lost 90% of m possessions. I spent $400.00 today getting bedding I needed and clothes to wear. In addition, I am staying with some friends for the next three weeks.
When I was buying my clothes, I was tearing up. I would pass something like a picture frame or painting and suddenly realize that was another thing I had lost. Or something as simple as a toothbrush would undo me.
Above I said I have chosen to forgive. However, I have not chosen to sit back and do nothing. I will be contacting out local news channel and asking if they will cover my story.
In addition, if eviction is processed against me, I will most likely get an attorney to defend me.
Amazingly, I am at peace. At least right now, tonight, in this moment. I think there is a reason for all of this happening. Something that is bigger than me. So I have decided I will walk forward with purpose and determination to do everything in my power to make this right and to change this for those who are now moving into my old building or any other building that has mold or are sprayed with chemicals.
In my almost 48 years of life, I have learned that sometimes when a crisis erupts, it isn’t about me. It is about someone else. I am seeing that in this situation. For example, one of the nurses I had at the VA has FMS. She was afraid to talk about it because it is pretty much a running joke at the VA for the most part.
She was struggling to work because of the pain and fatigue, so I was able to give her some suggestions to try. I also gave her my blog for additional information and so she could connect with all of us here. She needs to know and “feel’ that she is not alone.
I don’t know what the outcome of my life will be as far as my health. I may be permanently affected. However, twenty years ago, when I was told I had CFIDS and FMS, I walked through the haze and fought back.
So, in determining my course as I go forward today, I walk forward with purpose, determination and confidence.
These new challenges won’t change that. You see, the symptoms of these illnesses, as well as the new problems, are not me. There are something that is happening to my body. Who I am is in my soul. In my heart. In my mind. No one and nothing can ever take that away from me. Nor can they change who I am at the core. Only I can do that. And … I chose to learn how to grow through this crisis and become even stronger.
Determined to continue forward,
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Dominique,
God bless you! Your closing paragraph is beautiful.
Lillie Ammann´s last [type] ..Have Thine Own Way- Lord
Lillie –
It’s going to take a long time to process this both physically and emotionally. I admire your determination and indomitable spirit. And my family is learning from your experience. My daughter lives in a flat where there is mould. Her partner suffers with asthma and she has just developed bronchitis. I will now insist they get it sorted, and will be forewarned about spraying.
Sending you healing thoughts across the sea.
Jo´s last [type] ..Weathering the Storm
Jo – Thank you. I so hope your family finds a new place to live. It is so not worth it no matter how beautiful the ‘view’ might or might not be!
hello dominique,
right now i am speechless, amazed and taken aback at your courage. things are really difficult but my God how you deal with life is really an inspiration .
i second jo’s comment regarding admiring your determination and spirit.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always
Ayo – Thanks! The new edition is gorgeous! Thank you for your prayers Ayo! I definitely need them and feel them!
Wow, Dominique!! How horrible. You’ve been through so much. I’m not sure I wouldn’t be a bit angry if I were you. I admire your strength, endurance and sense of forgiveness. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Laurel´s last [type] ..Advocacy- Awareness- Fundraising and Socks
Laurel –
Thank you. I hope you are doing as good as can be expected. I think of you often – which means I send prayers and love you way often!
Wow, Dominique….what a terrible situation….just shaking my head at all of this. Your determination is such an inspiration to all.
Linda´s last [type] ..More sights from Newfoundland
Linda – Thanks. I’m sorry I haven’t been by your blog but I will make my way over this weekend I hope.
It was an honor to be your nurse. You have helped me look at fibro in a whole different light. Sometimes God sends Angels to us in mysterious ways and you became my Angel. Thank You. You are in my prayers.
Tonya – I don’t even know how to respond. Thank you so much. I am here for anything you need – talking, venting, help, information, friendship, family, whatever. Most of the commenters here also have blogs and are just as happy to help you move forward in this journey we have all unwittingly found ourselves on.
Tonya – welcome to the family. Help tends to appear when we’ve stopped expecting it, and in the strangest ways. Dominique is an inspiration, and this post just proves again what an amazingly strong, wonderful person she really is.
Wendy Burnett´s last [type] ..My Support Team- They weren’t Easy to Find- But They were Worth the Wait
Wendy – Thank you!
Okay, now to get a tissue…
Dominique,
I know that you can do this. You have a God-ordained purpose and strength of Spirit that will see you through. One of the things that I know you have learned over the years is how to stand( in the Spiritual). You know how to look adversity in it’s face and stand, not giving in, not crumbling, but steadfastly not allowing the adversity to crush you. We all prayerfully stand with you. You can do this. You will be the voice of the voiceless. You will be the face of the faceless. Again, I know, you( and your Father) can do this! May the peace of our Lord which surpasses all human understanding keep your heart and mind and body safe, my friend.
Ruth – Wow! Thank you. I definitely feel all the prayers. I do believe that I can do this. It really is just a matter of changing course and learning to navigate the new path that I have inadvertently been thrown on. I also have this deep sense that there is a reason for all of this and it goes way beyond me. I am just a vehicle for whatever that is. I totally agree with what you wrote. Thanks for reminding me to remain steadfast! Love you!
You are such an inspiration, Dominique. To be able to see that the anger will only hurt you is a real gift. And to also see that it doesn’t mean you need be a doormat and let everyone walk all over you. You’ve found that middle ground that we all seek.
I can’t believe what you’ve been through the last few weeks and then to be able to write such an articulate and inspiring post. Well, it just leaves me in awe.
And let me not forget that in your own pain, you reached out to the nurse at the Vet Hospital and may have changed her life forever for the good.
Toni –
Thank you Toni! That nurse was absolutely wonderful! She was just amazing. I’m was blessed for having me her!
This is aweful what’s happened. I’m shocked. Hang in there Dominique. I was homeless for over a year with this illness surfing from friend to family member….it’s really not easy being sick AND homeless, but you’ll come through it- I get the sense that you’re a super tough woman.
I have you in my thoughts.
upnorth´s last [type] ..Short update
upnorth – Thanks! I’m so glad that you came through your ‘homelessness’ and have landed on solid ground. That gives me hope.
I don’t know where to begin. I will pray the neurological problems and
being more susceptible to new toxins will not be premanent. I will pray
the Lord is carrying you all the way. I pray nothing keeps you from
the wedding. I’m so glad you can forgive and not let the anger hurt you.
Our souls are safe with God even when our bodies and circumstances
fail us. I will pray that living with friends will have many benefits.
I will pray that Dekker has no lasting ill health because of the mold.
I will pray the media gives attention to what happened and that
others will be helped that are having this same problem. Why not
even pray that landlords will be more highly regulated and held
financially responsible for the damage they do in situations like yours.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of home, possessions, and especially
the heath damage. I can’t express how in awe I am that you so quickly
go from the negative reaction to the positive reactions to everything
you face. I usually stay in the hurt and stress and bad emotions
before I transition to adjustment in thinking. There is so much
to express, but I’ll end by saying you inspire me in an incredible way
that I hope to learn to do better and with God’s help. I know there
is only one pair of footsteps in the sand while God carries you to the wedding,
through being homeless, and into your new home.
God bless and kept you sheltered in his everlasting arms.
Patricia – THAT was beautiful!
I cannot believe all you have gone through, Dominique and what your body has suffered in unacceptable and incomprehensible. It is so wrong and so unfair in so many ways. I do hope the rental agency is held accountable so no one else has to go through this. Your courage is amazing, and so is your ability to see through it to the other side, where God will work all things out for good…..
He has your back, Dominique. He loves you more than you or anyone else can imagine, and He wants to “grace you”. Like Patricia, I am praying for God to heal your body and keep Dekker well. You have shared a verse with me that I often say to comfort myself…”I can do all things through Christ who continually pours His strength into me.” Along with that paraphrased verse can come another….”I can do all things through Christ who RESTS me.” Rest in His arms Dominique and be still, knowing that many love and are praying for you and God WILL be with you.
Renee´s last [type] ..Home On The Range In Photos
Renee – Thank you! I do love that verse!
wow, wow, wow. I’m stunned, Dominique. I’m still having trouble catching up on blogs and have been busy this week, so I’m a bit behind. So very sorry to hear how bad things have gotten and about what the doctor said at the VA and about losing your possessions. I can’t even imagine.
I am glad to hear, though, that you were examined by a doctor and are being treated. And I am very, very glad to hear your wonderful attitude. I agree completely – all that anger would only hurt you. Good for you for being able to forgive and move on. That is a sign of strength, not weakness.
You are in our thoughts and prayers –
Sue
Sue Jackson´s last [type] ..XMRV Webinar Tomorrow & Update
Sue – Staying in the hospital and being checked out was definitely the right thing to do although I missed my Dekker terribly. I need the asthma medication. I find if I miss it I’m in trouble so I am taking is diligently.
Thank you. Say hi to the boys! The lunch we shared is now a memory I can recall that makes me smile even in moments of sadness and loss! I’m so glad we were all able to do it. Who knew the very next day I would face all of this!
Dominique, you’ve been in my mind these days. I don’t know what to suggest because I am the type of person who don’t like to hear somebody else’ suggestions especially without knowing what’s going on with me, but one thing I have to tell you: if you want to live a life, LEAVE THE DOCTORS! They do NOT know what’s going on with you, and your current condition might well be the result of their medical care!
If you are able to read, there is a book might give you ideas: “Never be sick again” by Raymond Francis. He was chemical poisoned and waited to die in hospital but he lives healthily now by staying away from all those medicine and testing. It is a brilliant book and Even though I don’t agree with everything he told in book but, it does give me hope and wisdom to live…
Francis (he is a biologist, btw) believes, there is only ONE disease: cell malfunction; TWO causes: nutrition deficiency and toxicity. Since our body is reproducing millions new cells each single days, Francis believes that by stopping toxicity and giving the RIGHT nutritions we can reverse any condition, no matter how serious it is.
I am highly concerned about your keeping yourself in doctors’ hands. They really can do some damages that many people don’t know about.
Don’t give up hope. I know you won’t!
Yun Yi – I am very careful about how often I see a doctor and when. In this case I was in serious danger because of a difficulty with my breathing. I am detoxing however with herbs. Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it.