First, I want to wish all my readers a very wonderful 4th of July. This is truly one of my favorite holidays. Any holiday that is about America brings out my loyalty, passion and love for this country!
Second…
I want to thank each and every man and woman who has and is serving this great country of ours. There is no other country like America. She is unique. There is also no other people like Americans. I am honored to be called an American today and I am thankful for the privilege I had to serve my country in the United States Air Force for almost 8 years. I, and many other service men/women like me, would have given our lives to insure the continuance of this wonderful country. So again, a heart-felt thank you to all our servicemen and women. You guys ROCK!
Third, can a gal cry while saying thank you! My readers are amazing. I have received so many emails and comments reaching out to me to let me know I am covered in prayer and thoughts, as well as words of encouragement and advise. I am humbled to be considered one of you! Thank you!
Fourth, I am still struggling quite a bit. I am so tired, I feel like I could just fall down permanently. My lungs are still bothering me, I have a productive cough (lungs are okay per x-ray), pain in my chest, my abdominal area is a mess (that is actually a side effect of mold, believe it or not), headaches and more. But at least the spiders have moved on to someone elses home and the twitches/shaking thing has left the house as well! Thank God.
Fifth – One of the great thing about seeking wisdom in the counsel of many is you get a lot of great ideas – especially when your brain is on vacation! One of my friends suggested I ask the apartments if I could stay in the corporate suite while I transition out of here. I did ask today and that wasn’t available (holiday weekend) but they are allowing me to move into one of the model homes for several days. So tomorrow with the help of one or two of my friends, I will be ‘moving’ in there temporarily. I am really glad that our new apartment manager is working with me.
She is also going to pro-rate this month’s rent to the days I am actually here as well as release me – in writing – from my contractual obligation of rent through November.
Now to get moved over and then to find an air-conditioned storage unit, and to rest for a day or two and then start packing.
I have one request please. If you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I would so appreciate it. I cannot tell you how over-whelmed I am. Tears are never far away. I actually feel like I am grieving. So much loss – none of it my fault.
I know I am strong and if I take this one step at a time, I can do this. But I know the prayers of the righteous availeth much, and much I desperately need right now.
Thank you so much for under-girding me during this most challenging of times. I am looking forward to that day when I can stand on my mountain top and yell,
I conquered you!
As a side note, you may have noticed the white background has been replaced with a light grey/pink color. Thanks go to my friend and second administrator on my blog. I mentioned to him in passing that it was bothering some of my readers and I could not figure out where to hack the code. Next thing I knew, he sent me a note asking me what I thought of the color! This is exactly the color I would have chosen! Thank you so much Larry! YOU rock!
I hope the colors are now easy on every one of you! And to be honest, I now think my look here is finished and professional! Too cool!
Again, Happy 4th of July and eat a hot-dog for me, okay!
Determined to continue forward,
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D — What a great suggestion/solution!!
And, again, what great friends you have!!
But, yes, I hear you… you are overwhelmed. Know that I add my thoughts & prayers to those of others’ and that God sees. (I believe He is as determined as anyone to see you HEALTHY & at your daughter’s wedding!)
Blessings,
Amy
Amy Yannello´s last [type] ..It’s so weird…
Amy –
And yes, I do have great friends….
Happy 4th of July! See, we BOTH remembered
Sounds like everything is falling into place Dominique. On step at a time. I’ll be so glad when you are away from that mold and all the chaos it is causing your health! I can certainly see why you would be overwhelmed. You have SO much going on right now. One step at a time girls. I have faith that everything will work out well.
I continue to keep you in my prayers as you make these transitions and that you find places to pull stregth from within you to get through it all. Good thinks are waiting for you Dominique. One door is clsing, but another will open
Lots of love & hugs!
Nancy
Nancy – That made me smile really big that we DID both remember! Thank you and your are right. When one door closes, another always opens.
I am and will continue to pray that your new path will be smooth. Transition
and change is always hard and letting go is always difficult. My prayers
for you are focused on recovering from the toxin exposures and a WONDERFUL
time at your daughter’s wedding. When you get settled into your new home
I pray one blessing after another will open up and that will diminish and heal
the grieving of being forced to leave a place you were bonded to.
HAPPY 4TH of JULY. I will celebrate by watching the WA DC 30th Celebration
on PBS on my new 32″ HDTV. I am much pleased and relieved that for the past two days Sammy has been eating. Today I gave him a warm bath and wrapped him
up in a blanket warmed in the dryer. I sang him a little doggie lullaby and
now he is peacefully napping.
Patricia – Happy 4th of July to you to! New HDTV, huh? Good for you! Oh….that is too sweet. I am so glad he is eating still! Oh I hope that means he is on the mend and out of the woods! That would be a wonderful miracle!
My strange reaction to the 4th of July – depression.
This holiday never had done that to me. I watched the wonderful WA DC
program and while drifting off to sleep heard the neighborhood fireworks.
I had a dream I was of some younger age moving to a new apt (from your blog!?)
My parents informed me both were traveling for Christmas and I would not
see them but it was ok. The parents were not my real life parents but sort of
like an old friend and her husband (dreams!) Then I called my grandparents
who were my real life parents – and they too were leaving for the Christamas
season. They too told me I would be ok lots of people are alone for the
holidays. I felt very depressed in the dream and upon waking that dark mood
stayed as I was remembering the dream. All day today I’ve been intensely
lonely. There just seems no way to endure the isolation of being mostly
housebound. I know I’ll feel better later. Sammy won’t eat today. Such is
life. The sun is out. It’s been a comfortable and cool summer so far. I
think I’ll go out and sit and get some vitamin D. I feel apologetic. Should I hit
post comment?
Patricia – I am with you although I haven’t been depressed, more ‘alone’ feeling. Kinda like I am on an island by myself. You never have to worry about coming here and ‘sharing’. We all deal with the depression, loneliness, separation – all of it – at one time or another.
God graciously provided me a visitor today – a good friend – and she really encouraged me and uplifted me. I so needed that. Tomorrow, I start talking to a variety of people in order to figure out where to go from here. Today was slightly better. Amazingly, I think the mold has been bothering Dekker because he is much better since we moved into the model home. Day and night different. Much more energy, less gunk in his eyes and just happier.
Tomorrow is a new day, thus, it is a day of new possibilities.
I said there was no way to endure the isolation and loneliness – I meant it seems I have not found a way to adjust to it and not let it get to me; after all these years these intensely sad moods come like a winter storm.
Thank God that Spring and Hope follows winter. I went to a Blog called Blue Coffee
Mug. Her situation is awful. Weird I read blogs to keep me company and there
is a sense of understanding and comraderie (sp?) but today it just made me
depressed. I should not be loading you with my problems. I have thought of
starting a blog but am stumped on what would be unqiue about it. As I have
surfed the net for CFS/FM BLOGs there already is a wealth of good ones.
My only contribution would be my “voice” as one says about poetry – find
your own “voice” However, I think it is a task too large for me technically.
Hope my venting here was ok. I’ve done it before and you were kind to me.
Perhaps it would be better for me to e-mail you when I have my own issue
going on?
Patricia – I think spending so much time alone – when God created us for relationships – and getting depressed or lonely would only make sense. We are created to be around other people, not to spend so much time alone, away from them. I think that is why the blogs help so much because we are able to reach out and touch someone and vice versa.
You’re vent is always welcomed here. Please never worry. Maybe when I get settled in my new home. after the wedding is over, we can talk about a blog for you. Perhaps I can help you set one on wordpress and I can be the back up administrator. We’ll see.
I hope this finds you with lifted spirits….
God Bless you for your kindness to me. Your words are wise and it is like
I know myself what you said, but knowing it might be “normal” to get
depressed being alone so much, doesn’t make for a permanent fix. Maybe
I’m unrealistic to think I can adjust so much that I can live in peace alone
on my island. It just seems to me that hardly anyone dwells on this topic
which makes me feel like a big baby or that others deal with being alone
better or that others have more friends. I’m so so glad you have the
support of friends for what is going on with needing to move. Moving is
just a big task. So can I ask a direct question? Do you get depressed because
of loneliness – or do you see freinds just enough to tide you over. There was
a period of time of about four years that I had a weekly visit by an older
pastor of evangelism – His speciality was home visits. We enjoyed each others
company so much. I recall thinking I don’t get depressed as much anymore.
Reflecting on it I realized it was that his visits had a big punch power to carry
over – and so I had the need of good conversation and compansionship
enough at that time. I moved to take care of my mom at the same time Pastor
Paul moved into assisted living to take care of his very ill wife.
Maybe you have the same situation – just enough visits and companionship
to carry you over so that the rest of the time on your island you are ok.
Then I tell myself – hey Pat – if you had even three close ongoing friends
that came fairly often to hang out with you – you know it would be too much.
That’s one of those ironic delimas (sp?) I use to be a secretary but cannot
spell worth beans anymore. About you helping me with a blog – how kind
to think of it at all. Like I said I doubt even with help I could do a professional
job – a visual treat – posting photos – providing links – having a slant -
Would anyone want to come to a blog that is all text and my ramblings?
Well it is just so nice you would even entertain the idea and I’m not sure
if I want to or not. All I know is that typing away is therapy. And I can’t
tell you how much it did lift my mood to come and find your response.
I wonder what your other followers who have blogs think of this
chatty Patricia. I thought with the holiday and moving maybe your blog
might be out of commission for awhile. Dominique I think your Blog is a
ministry. I feel the presence of God shining through you to other hurting
people. God Bless you.
Patricia – I’m doing my best to reply but I’m having problems breathing so I’m not at all sure if I will get the spelling correct. I guess to answer your question I am not one that being alone bothers me. I do have more moments where I have noticed the longer I stay in I get ‘lonely’ and need companionship but I can also be house bound for weeks and not be bothered. Most of the things I enjoy now are indoor projects like puzzles, reading, movies, writing, and so forth so I keep busy. But I do call my friends and tell them I’m ready to get out because I’m going stir crazy. I think the other problem for me is I don’t enjoy getting out as much as I use to because it wears me out so much. I don’t even do my shopping at stores anymore (or not much). I have almost everything delivered.
However, I do enjoy visits and I notice that my spirits are always lifted by them.
The other thing is that my friends have accommodated me by switching from mainly phones calls and going out all the time to text messaging which is much easier on me. When I’m to it we do the phone. So I stay in touch with my friends but just not in the conventional way. Also, I try to make sure I remember their birthdays and what not and send cards via the internet so again I’m reaching out to them however I can.
I don’t think I or anyone of us would think you whining. It is very hard to not have social contact. That is just a fact and I believe it is one of the main reasons so many with CFIDS commit suicide.
I noticed you do drive a little. When you are having one of these days, are you able to drive to a movie or just go out for cup of coffee or even go to a park and sit on a bench? Just something that puts you into a new/different environment?
I’m not sure I answered your question right. Let me know if I didn’t.
I can’t promise that I will be here every day. I don’t even have a post for Tuesday because today had many difficult spots in it with my breathing and being totally wiped out.
In addition, the situation has become a nightmare and I’m unsure of what the next step is so I am awaiting a phone call from a lawyer and my insurance agent. It now appears if the mold is the kind with toxins that are dangerous (which would be my guess) it may not be feasible for me to take my possessions with me because certain molds can transfer with your belongs and cause problems elsewhere. So that has put my move on hold because I don’t want to create a problem for others.
In addition, a lawyer told me this is a little more complicated that I realize with my health now being further compromised. Sunday, I woke up and discovered that my gait was messed up. I couldn’t walk in a straight line unless I shuffled. If I tried to walk normal, I went side ways. I also was having small bouts, here and there, with the shakes. In addition, I’m still struggling with my breathing. So my nightmare just keeps getting worse. I’m suddenly without a home and unsure of what to do next.
The only thing I know at this point is that God is in control and He will not leave me without a recourse. I don’t believe this is His plan so I am just trusting Him to send me the right people to show me the right way to go in this mess.
Thank you for you kind words. It is my heart that I will be used and be a vehicle for others. For so many years I felt alone with this illness and I want to try and make sure that others don’t have to experience that feeling.
Give Sammy a kiss for me.
Dominique,
Is there any way that you can request that a sample of the mold be sent for testing? There are many different types , that cause different symptoms. I don’t know whether ” the powers that be” will be willing to do that. I am a RN and I worked for an ENT doc who frequently was consulted to assess situations in the workplace that caused very severe symptoms for employees. Your symptoms could be the result of the exposure to the mold. DO you see anyone for allergies? You can develop reactions to mold, after repeated exposure, that you have never had before. Most people think that the most common reaction to something that you are allergic to is itchy eyes, runny nose but the # 1 symptom is fatigue, so I am not the least bit surprised that you are more fatigued now. The other problem with mold is that a person can have a reaction that is allergic in nature that could result in a true anaphylactic type, so if you feel that your breathing is compromised in any way, you want to consult you MD.
There is no reason to be fearful, you just need to be wise. Whether your reaction is allergic in nature or due to the mold being one that is toxic in nature, you may need some guidance from a MD who deals with these types of problems to help you sort things out. I am certainly not one who cries lawsuit over everything. As a nurse, I cringe at the thought but if you are saddled with medical bills that are due to the former manger’s negligence, then some kind of restitution may need to be made. I am so glad that the current manager has some integrity. Hopefully she will continue to assist you. It seems that she has been empathetic to your situation, so far. Do you know if the owner of your building knows what is going on?
Ruth – No. I was told by the commissioner of relestate (I can’t remember how to spell that?) that it should be done but it has to be done through abritration which costs thousands of dollars. I told the maintenance people that needed to be done but it wasn’t. I’m trying to get into the VA but I haven’t been able to get that worked out yet.
The VA is my MD but I am having difficulty getting there to the ER. I am trying to work that out now.
The manager’s hands are tied because the management company that owns the property is not willing to do anything more. I asked for help moving and was told they won’t do that. So I am now looking for an attorney, filed an insurance claim, and am thinking about writing the CEO of BH Management about what is going on.
I don’t know if he knows what is going on, but he will soon.
My delimma now is trying to get my stuff moved out and I’m feeling badly. Any exertion causes me to have more problems breathing. If I stay still I seem to do a little better. In addition, I’m trying to find some people who can help me move my stuff into storage but that is proving difficult with people’s schedules. I might have to pay someone to do it for me.
Again, there is the issue of money. But I need to get this done, so…
Thanks for you advice. I have done a lot of research and understand that different molds produce different toxins which create different problems. I have no doubt that the mold was the kind that produces toxins but as to which kind….I don’t know.
I also understand that the problems might go away on their own or may take a while or may be long term.
I have a lot of the symptoms. I also realized that I have been exposed for longer than I originally thought. When I look back I realize I complained about a really bad smell in April and I was really ill Jan-March. So in reality, I may have been exposed for almost 6 months.
I just wish one person would step up and tell me to do this, then this, then this and help me find way to do everything.
Anyway, thank you.
I wish you were close. I would lone you my husband. It is so hard to be facing what must seem like a mountain when you don’t have the energy it takes to make it across an ant hill! I hate when I know something needs to be done and ” the old me” could have handled it with no problem, but “the new me” can’t seem to get it together to face the task. Gosh!!! I, too, wish there was someone who could come along side of you and help you each step of the way. I will pray. I just wish there was something that I could physically do. I am often impatient with the Lord’s timing. I think He is trying to remind me that HE is in control.
A daughter of a friend and her husband are very young and do not always plan well. They had decide to hike the Appalachian Trail for a month. They have very limited experience. They started at a very difficult place and had limited supplies.We got a phone call on Sunday from her and she was tearful and scared. They wanted to come home. After finding out that they were safe and only a few miles from the next town ( and had food and water), my friend needed to decide: does she send Daddy to bail them out or have her daughter depend on her husband to take care of her. Well it was decided that they would spend the night at this campground and call in the am. What happened next was God reminding us that He has it all under control. They met a great “older” couple who took them under their wing, encouraged them, took them into the next town to catch a bus home. They also helped them decide a) where a better part of the trail was b) that they should start with small 2 day hikes that would bring them back to where their car would be. So the kids got home safely and were encouraged that they had made it through this difficult situation. Now they have a plan that will be fun and very doable. Daddy didn’t have to rescue them so that husband felt like he couldn’t take care his wife. I sat back and thought about how we would have tried to fix this and how many times I had intervened in people’s lives trying to help when I probably should have waited. I am a fixer and hate to see people go through hard times. I wonder how many times a got in the way of a little miracle. I can’t wait to see how God continues to intervene and send you the people that you need that can come to your front door. I hope my story was easy to understand. I tend to ramble when I get tired…. Take care. God will come through for you. I know HE will. Remember, I will never leave you or forsake you……..
Dominique, If a day or so ago when I went on and asked you about loneliness
I knew that your situation had grown into a humongous “disaster” I would
have restrained myself. You are still reaching out with such goodness and
kindness while you are in dire straights. I’m truly concerned for what the
mold had done to you, Dekker, loss of home, maybe loss of possessions.
Going through a trial – oh how I wish you could xerox yourself and send
her to go through this for you. Yes I do drive some, very short trips
close to home. Yes just getting out helps. And I do have a nice and beautiful
yard. I thank you for explaining in such details what you do to keep in
touch with your friends. I had the impression you had frequent in person visits
and friends to take you out shopping. I wanted to understand and now I
do. You said something that I do too when I remember and don’t get caught
up in thinking too much about being lonely. When I get busy I feel distracted
and much less lonely. Sometimes the problem is it takes too much energy
to keep busy. Please know I’ll be praying for you every single day.
I may come to see if you have posted but I don’t expect it with all that is
going on. And I need to quit writing to you so much with this going on
If I do write I think for awhile I should just simply say
DOMINIQUE I’M PRAYING FOR YOU.(i GAVE THAT KISS FROM YOU
TO MY SAMMY – GIVE DEKKER A LITTLE PAT FROM PAT
Patricia – Dekker, amazingly is doing much better now that we are out of
ourthe home. He has so much more energy. That is actually one of the positives in this whole situation.Xerox me – kind of like that new movie with – uh forgot his name – anyway the one where they have surrogates go into the real world for them. ha ha.
Dekker says thank you! He’s curled up beside me and sound asleep.
Just remember – Bruce Willis.