I knew it had to come.
I was warned by a friend that it would come.
And boy did it come …
The past few days I have been struggling with grief and sadness that I just can’t seem to get past.
On Sunday I was looking at photos of an apartment I am going to look at (you can see it here). I was picturing my furniture in it. Except that I don’t have any. There is this huge void where my life and past used to be.
I have been doing my best to process how to let go and move on but I can’t get past this big, hole that is staring back at me. Today, I hit the proverbial wall and I broke.
I have so many emotions that are flooding my soul. The loss is almost more than I can bear. But even more than that, I find myself asking why and what? But I hear no answers.
I know that I have to get back up and move forward but there is a part of me that is tired of being knocked down. Twenty years I have fought this illness. I have picked myself up each and every time it knocked me to the ground. I have fought back with everything I have.
I know I have the strength in me to do it again, but I don’t want to keep picking myself up off the floor when life chooses to knock me for a loop. I just want a place of my own that I can lay my head down and be at peace because I have all I need and I am safe.
I know with everything in me that God is with me but I’m not understanding what it is that I am supposed to learn in the midst of this hard moment in time. And while I know the answer to the why question – someone elses bad choices have wreaked havoc in my life – I still wonder why it had to be me. Not that I would wish this on anyone else.
I wonder why the path before me has to be so difficult? Cannot I not have an epoch in my life that runs smooth or must chaos always show its hideous face? Again, what is it that I am supposed to learn?
It’s as if I have been violently severed from my past and I’m suddenly standing in the ruins trying to figure out how to put my life back together … except that there are very few pieces to pick up and rebuild with.
Today the reality hit me that when I move into my new apartment, for many months following, it will be a reminder of everything I have lost. It will take me months, if not years, to replace my belongings. The empty canvas of my apartment will daily be declaring that complete loss is always just a step away.
Furthermore, there are things that I cannot replace. They are gone for good. My trinkets that I brought back from my trip to Africa – gone. The bottle of sand my daughter gave me from her trip to Florida when she was a teenager – gone. The earrings she bartered for and paid for in Mexico and surprised me with when she was eight (8) – gone . The clock I scored several years ago with my favorite French wine on it – gone. Things that mean more to me than the many possessions I purchased.
But even more than that, the reality that I was almost there. My apartment was almost outfitted the way I had always wanted it. In another year, it would have been. And now I am looking a four walls that are bare.
I am deeply grateful to have a place to stay but even that is a constant reminder of all that has changed. I don’t have all those little idiosyncracies in place that helped me function day-to-day. I can’t organize myself because I don’t have the items I need to do that. They all have to be purchased again. Thus, I have more things to remember and more that I am forgetting.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I discovered I had bounced my account because I had used the wrong check book and debit card. My old system is gone because I had to replace my purse and I’m struggling to find my new system.
The reminders of what is missing have even seeped into the wedding. I am going home with one pair of blue jeans, 4 Capri pants, 3 t-shirts, 3 casual blouses, one pair of tennis shoes, one pair of sandals and one pair of flip-flops. That is what my life has been reduced to. I don’t even have any makeup to retouch my makeup at the wedding until I purchase some more.
I knew this day was coming. I know I need to embrace it in order to move on. I know that God has good plans for me. Yet, I feel like I’m walking around and around this circle because I can’t find the exit door.
Somehow I have to find the strength to pick myself up one more time. It will require much faith … a faith, unfortunately at this moment, that I am finding myself hanging onto by my fingernails.
Determined to continue forward,
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Dominique,
My heart goes out to you, and I think of Mother Theresa’s words: “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!”
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Lillie – LOL! I needed that one Lillie! Boy, I don’t think a truer statement has ever been made!
The apartments are the ones that I interviewed with for the marketing position. I told you then you would like them. It is a great view and you are in the heart of downtown.
Don’t loose heart about things… they are but dust. I know the hurt of loosing your possessions. I’ve had to start over several times too. God has a way of replacing things with better. And the memories are still there.
Cindi – Hey girl! I miss you! To think we were steps apart and now we are miles apart! (sad face) . These are the apartments. Oh yeah! I so hope I qualify. I really love the location and everything but Wild Oats is literally at my feet. I just wonder about living in a high rise. I have never done that although I have always dreamed of doing it! Will you come to my house warming if I get the apartment!?
That is true. The memories are still their. Everyone is right here today. I am just needing to really grieve so I can move forward to a new day! You know me. Once I process the emotions and the thoughts, then I can move forward with tenacity!
Tell Gillie I said hi and I am looking forward to dinner with all three of us!
Love you!
Dominique I will be praying for you. Your description of your losses
echoes how I imagine a person would feel who has gone through
a total loss due to a natural disaster. What makes it more intense is
that you do not have strength of body and good health on your side.
I have a feeling that special surprises are ahead for you when you
create a new home — that you will receive gifts from unexpected sources-
and each one will create new memories full of the love given. I am sad
for the loss of those items that were memories and not just purchases.
I long to hear you have entered a period of no more knock-downs for
a long long time – maybe never – While you feel you are hanging onto
faith with fingernails – focus on the truth He promises never to leave you.
I too wonder why some people have to walk such a long , hard
journey in life. I like to think that when we get to heaven we will be
amazed when we see all that we went through did have purpose and
meaning even though in this life we walk by faith and not by sight.
I’m praying that day by day the intensity of your feelings will evolve into
coming to peace and that a new start will have unanticipated blessings.
My prayer for you is that you can find that place of peace and safety and
comfort again and that you won’t have to face any more traumatic experiences.
You have had your full share and no wonder you cannot help but question
why so much. I will be so happy to see these wishes for you come to fruition.
Your remain daily in my thoughts and prayers.
Patricia – I like the ‘special surprises’ that are ahead of me! I’m ready! Thank you. That is my prayer too. I am asking God for an incredible “Dominique” home. I am really thinking the ones I am going to look at fit the bill. They are contemporary, in the heart of the city, and lots and lots of windows! Plus everything I need is within walking distance!
Thank you for your continued prayers. You were in my heart and thoughts all day today, my friend. May God’s peace fill you over-flowing.
Dominique
The losses that you have endured are huge. Not only your health setbacks, but your home…the place you are supposed to feel safe. And not only your home, but all that you held dear and precious and all that brought back to mind special memories. You are truly starting over, and not by choice. You grief and questions are understandable and necessary I think. Through it all, friend, remember that there are people here and in your face to face life that care deeply about you. They are holding you up in prayer. Remember that you are abiding in your Father’s arms, and He weeps with you, feels your losses and your pain, and will work things out for good. He will bless you with double portions, Dominique, and you will get better again. You will.
Please know that I am soaking you in prayer along with so many others, for the coming days….
Gentle hugs….
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Renee – Starting Over – I think you are right and that is the theme of my life at this moment in time. Thank you Renee. I so need to hear these words of encouragement. I know these truths but my heart is raw with all the loss. But I also know, deep down, I will prevail once again once I travel through this grief process. After all, I am a determined over comer – as we all are!
My thoughts are with you, and I’m sending (((((hugs))))) your way. You do have the strength of will and faith to meet this incredible challenge head on and survive.
“Today the reality hit me that when I move into my new apartment, for many months following, it will be a reminder of everything I have lost. It will take me months, if not years, to replace my belongings. The empty canvas of my apartment will daily be declaring that complete loss is always just a step away.” Think of the new apartment as a blank canvas that you can paint whatever way, colo(u)r, style you want. I know it’s hard not to think of what you have lost; try and think of this as a brand new beginning; a space that will be filled by new treasures; trinkets with fresh narratives; 4 walls that you can make into anything you want.
Wishing you all the best!
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phylor – I receive the hugs! Than you! I’m trying to change my perspective to the one you stated. I just haven’t gotten past the loss yet. But I am moving forward towards a new perspective and I will get there!
Of course it will take awhile to get over/past your loss, but I know you have the strength and faith to get there! Good luck with your new apartment!
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phylors – thank you and thank you!
My heart goes out to you, Dominique, and I so understand your questioning… But know that your temporary crisis of faith is just that — temporary. And, yes, a perfectly normal response to the situation you find yourself in. You’ve literally had the rug ripped out from under you!! (and the floorboards, et al)… Our homes are supposed to be be our place of refuge and you had worked to create a safe place for yourself, and the thought of having to recreate a space for yourself again is of course overwhelming.
So, my dear, please be easy with yourself, and know that God has not abandoned you, and will continue to bless you as you set about recreating your new space. I agree with your friend above — I see Him blessing you in ways you cannot imagine now. He will not leave you to face this on your own. Watch for people to come into your life and lend a hand — and items necessary to create the space you want. It will happen — I believe this with all my heart.
You do so much good for so many people — just by your willingness to share your experience, strength, and hope. God will not leave you to struggle alone.
I am so sorry for all that you have lost — through no fault of your own. But from the ashes comes rebirth. Hang on to that when you feel as if you’re hanging by your fingernails, and remember to breathe.
Abundant hugs and prayers sent your way…
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Amy – Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just one clarification, if I may. I am not in a faith crisis. I absolutely trust that God will walk me though this time. I only meant to say that I am so overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially that I feel like I am hanging on by my finger nails. I don’t doubt God at all. I doubt me. My ability to hang in there physically until God’s Calvary shows up!
Thanks for you many kind words, encouragement, hugs, thoughts and prayers. You all and my friends have been an incredible strength to me and for me and I am humbly and profoundly thankful!
Dominique — My heart goes out to you. This has been difficult beyond what I could have imagined. It’s just been one thing after another. One step at a time…even if it’s just a baby step…and I know things will begin to turn around for you. You are wrapped in the love of your online friends.
Toni
Toni – I had the oddest dream about you a couple of night ago. You got up out of bed, completely well and walked on water. Not literally but symbolically. Everything you had every dreamed of doing, you were doing in my dream. It was incredible. I have no idea why I dream that but I thought I would share it with you.
Yes I am and I actually can feel that love everyday. I am so lucky to have such incredible friend on and off line!