I Feel like DANCING!

I Feel like DANCING!

I have been keeping a secret, if you will, for a few weeks from you because of the atrocious roller-coaster I have been on physically these past eight months.

To tell you the truth, there were times when I wasn’t sure that I would make it.  I really thought at times that if my body did not give up, my spirit would. I was afraid if I said anything, I would crash again and have gotten your hopes up – and mine – for naught.

It’s so odd, but these past eight months I have often felt as if the rug has been unexpectedly pulled out from under me and I just could not find solid ground.

But I kept trying different things, fighting with determination, hoping even when I saw no hope, and moving forward the best I knew how. 

Then a few weeks ago, I noticed little telltale signs of improvement.  Then I noticed consistent, if slight improvements, and these past two weeks my energy levels have been around 30-40%.

Not my normal but gloriously wonderful.  I was so overcome with joy that …

I danced.

For a full hour.  And it felt marvelous!

I also walked out my front door on my own two legs and went down to the second floor and checked my mail and went to take some home-made corn chowder I had made to our secretary.

Again, it felt amazing.  (I am tearing up as I write this I am so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude!)

I keep finding myself on the verge of tears.  I feel as if someone had opened the prison I have been living in these past few months and freed me.  Oh, how glorious it feels.

I have this joy that is so indescribable bubbling up and out of me. I told a friend today and his response was, “Wow!”  I think he summed up how I feel quite well.  It has been a long, ardous journey.

I think some of the changes that I have made have paved the way for the improvement in my health.

1.  The Artist’s Way course has really helped me learn to be kind to myself and find a creative outlet even when there seemed to be none.

2.  Last Friday I was handed $200 dollars from someone I have never met to buy something I needed.  I have been praying for the past two week for 2 barstools so I can move from my bed to a chair for a few hours a day. 

And so I could have people over when I started feeling better.

Then suddenly, my prayers were answered and I had the $200 dollars in my hand, plus the ability to purchases 2 barstools to get me by until I finish furnishing my home. 

That one thing birthed something deep inside my soul and told me that things were moving forward and upward.  I could feel the truth of it inside of me and then I started witnessing it unfold in my every day life.

My hope started rebounding; anticipation started building – even if it was tentative, and I started fighting even more.

3. I seemed to have found several things to keep the eye pain at bay such as very little time online, a heated eye mask that I made, taking IBprofen at the first hint of eye pain, and regular breaks in the dark or reduced light every day, not watching movies and tv, not reading actual books but switching to audiobooks, which seem to be working when I follow them like doctors orders. (smile).

4.  Finally admitting I needed help and hiring my friend to take care of all the heavy stuff was paramount I think.  I had to do my part and let go and let someone else do the heavy lifting, if you will, but it is paying off.  I finally have come to a place that I understand my health has been severely compromised and to have any quality of life I need extra help and that is okay. 

5.  I use the wheelchair as often as I need and I moved my bed back into the living room until I finish furnishing my appartment.  The more energy I conserve, the better.  And the more I am able to do in the long run. 

6.  I have created a schedule and I am sticking to it.  I spend 18-20 hours resting in bed every day, while allowing myself one day to do as I please within reason.

7.  I have been writing.  I have written a short story and am now working on a second one.  Plus I am writing 750 words every morning.  I have also now completed the first three chapters of my memoirs or my book – whatever it turns out to be. It feels glorious.

8.  I have finally after months and months, flipped my internal clock.  I am now getting up at 5:30 in the morning and am back in bed between 7-8 pm and usually asleep my 9.  The strict routine has paid off handsomely I think.

9.  I started drinking Amazing Grass and have altered my diet to a small meal once a day and the shake for dinner and something very small for breakfast.  That has taken a load of my gut and the shake has really undergirded my body noticeably.

10. Someone special has entered my life.  I don’t know if we will be friends for life or …what ….

but he makes me smile and laugh and I enjoyed an amazing dinner with him last weekend. 

He cooked. 

Actually … we cooked together.  And we’re making plans to do it again this weekend. 

I have known him for over a year and have slowly been getting to know him better.  Then something just changed and …  well, I’m not sure what “and” is yet, but … life is a bit sunnier now.   (smile)

It’s as if the light to my life was suddenly turned on, unexpectedly, and possibilities and hope are suddenly evident everywhere. 

It’s like God has been putting this mosaic together all this time but I couldn’t see his handwork in the midst of the devastation I was dealing with from my health and my grief over Dekker’s death. 

However, now that I’m eight months out, when I look back, there is this beautiful mosaic that stands as a reminder that even in my darkest moments, there are new mercies coming in the morning.

I am overcome with humility, with appreciation, and with joy.  I have learned that life can change in an instant and I have to enjoy every morsel of it while I am in this moment. 

Even the bad moments – or what I perceive to be bad moments, have something to teach me. 

I am also learning to push my fears and hesitations aside and take chances. I must sieze this moment now, because tomorrow it will be gone and regret will be left in its place.

I know what it is like to like in the dark, to be isolated, to be in God awful pain.  But I also know what it is like to be free, to be in the light and to have a break from all the devastating effects of this horrid illness.

I find myself so emotional that tears are never far.  My appreciation for the gift I have been given, no matter how long it lasts, fills my heart overflowing.

All I can say is …

I feel like dancing…

Determined to continue forward,