I recently was having a conversation with a friend of mine online who also has ME about what I had learned, if anything these past eight months of being bed, house and wheelchair bound. I’ve been thinking about that a lot.
The absolute delight and joy that invades me when I step out into the sunshine is indescribable. I feel the warmth of the sun kissing my skin, embracing me in it’s warmth and I start to tear up with thanks recalling that even a month ago, leaving my apartment wasn’t even a remote possibility.
I’m also repeatedly reminded of the wonder of my improvement when I receive emails from friends who have entered new relapses or God forbid, been involved in devastating car accidents (as in the call I received just last night).
Every once in a while, I feel a twinge of guilt because I am having a good period and so many I know are not.
So the question hit me deep in my soul. What have I learned from my time being imprisoned by ME in my home?
I learned that in tomorrow, there is always the promise of possibility. I learned that no matter how challenging my moments are, and they are just moments in the greater scheme of my entire life, there is always the possibility of a better moment. It may lay way off in the future, just outside of my grasp, but it is there. I just have to hang on until it comes.
I also learned that in those really dark times when my soul whispers in my ear that it is struggling to believe and have hope, that I need to dig down deep within my soul and find a reason to hold on for another moment.
I might even need to reach outside of myself, and ask for help to find that reason to hang on. Whatever I can do to hang on for one more minute, I just need to do it.
For me – as many of my readers know – the thing that keeps me holding on from possibility to possibility – is this core belief that I hold to.
I am here for a reason.
It is not some sort of comsmic chance.
It is not coincidence.
I am here for a purpose and a reason.
I have always had this sense, innately, deep within the very fiber of my being that I was created for something great. I can’t quite explain it but that sense crushes the ME when it comes to demand more from me than I am willing to give up.
ME may steal my plans, my health and my body but it can steal my hope, my faith, my desires and my dreams. Those are mine and I hold them close to my heart with the protective quality of a mamma bear and her cubs.
I will give my all, fight with everything I have to fulfill the purpose I have been put on this earth to do. Even … if it means doing it from my laptop, through my writing, through my heart to heart connections with each and every person that I meet in person or via the internet.
There is this passion in me to make other’s lives better, to encourage them to hold on until that new possibility comes along, and to share my birthed possibilities with them in order to spur them toward the incredible possibilities awaiting them just around the next bend.
I also learned one other lesson. One that has had a powerful and changing affect on me.
Being so ill these past eight months felt like I was in a prison. Sometimes, like I was going to die. Afterwards, I felt like I had died and then been brought back to life and received a second chance if you will.
That emotional experience has birthed such expectations in my soul that the number is limitless. It has shown me that I want to live my life to the fullest during the good times so when I am again lying there in the dark, or resting for a longer period again, I have no regrets.
At 48, my life has been one of many regrets. I no longer want to live that way.
I want to live on my own terms, in my own way, free to be me. No longer will I blindly follow other’s or try to mold myself into their perspective of who I am or should be.
I want to be free. Free to be me. Free to live when I can. Free to embrace life as much and as often as I can.
No longer will I fear what other’s think, say, or demand. I will listen to my soul and my heart and I will follow the path that I have been called to walk along.
I will emrace life as it has been given me for as long as it is given me.
I also want to allow myself to think outside the box, if you will, and accept any limitations that might be there, but also acknowledge that I have the ability to embrace life in a new, different way.
Who knows. Maybe this was the way I was always meant to embrace my life anyway. I definitely have an infinitely deepend appreciation of the second chance I have been given and have no intention at all of squandering it.
That way, on those bad days, I can rest and remember, that I ran the race while I could and I ran it well.
P.S. I am also being moderate in my approach so no worries.
Determined to continue forward,