Overcoming the BULLY Within
As I look out my window in my new creative space in my new home, I can only see a cloudy, overcast sky. Despite the melacholiness of the day, I am surrounded by the beauty of huge, old, historic trees and homes that remind me daily that there is always hope and there is always possibility in this life.
As I look at the green grass and plants that surround my home, I am also reminded of hard work and that feeling of accomplishment and pride that comes along with it. There is something profoundly intrinsic in me that wants to accomplish so many things; to fulfill all these dreams and goals in my life.
For two decades I have pushed with all my might towards those goals and dreams, but they always seem just outside my reach. My mind, my heart and my soul long to create, to accomplish, and to challenge my abilities … but … my body struggles to keep up.
It’s been twenty-two years that I have kept the faith that I will get better; that I will regain all that has been taken from me. Most days, that faith and determination burns strong within me.
But there are times when reality boldly collides head first with that determination and tips the scales of faith and determination towards capitulation.
Capitulation is not even a word in my vocabulary and yet I find myself coming face to face with it often lately. It would be so much easier to surrender; to give in; to let go.
Lately, thoughts tend to flood my mind that cause me to wonder if all this effort to fulfilling my heart’s desire is worth the effort, the struggle, the energy or the constant, crushing bullying of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME).
It’s as if I have been living with a bully who refuses to let me win. This bully appears to pleasure in keeping me off kilter, unsure of my future, my possibilities, and abilities.
This bully revels in creating a view of my future that is filled with the distractions of collapses, crashes, lack of energy, pain, confusion, frustration and grief. It does its best to remind me that I am less because I cannot be more because this bully is in control my body.
Despite the bully’s loud voice, however, residing deep within me, is this small voice that reminds me that bullys can only win when and if I give up. While it may control my body, it does not control my heart and soul. It does not own me.
I am a women of determination. A woman who will by the grace of God fulfill her destiny. I will become well one day soon. I will write those books I am called to pen. I will become lean and physical again. I will become active and involved again. I will be the person that I am called to be.
While there may be times when this bully (ME) wins the race, it will not and cannot win the war because I have a passion, a tenacity, a determination that rages within me to win.
And win I shall …