About Me

Twenty years ago, I had never heard of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS/CFIDS),  nor Fibromyalgia (FMS).  That all changed in a blink of an eye.  In 1987 I was involved in a motor vehicle accident that would change my life more than I could ever imagine.  I incurred the normal neck and back injuries typical of car accidents, which I still struggle with to this day.  In addition, I developed an illness that would forever change my dreams, my goals, and the direction of my life.

I quickly went from being an individual who ran up to seven miles a day, played racquet-ball, was an avid weight-lifter, played daily  basketball with my then, young daughter, and who could do anything the guys could do that I served with in the Air Force, to a person that spent days and weeks in bed in incredible pain.  As a result, I was “helped” to take an early out during a period when the Air Force was offering them and become a civilian.

I am one of those “unique” individuals who loved the military life and wanted to do my 20 years of service!  As a matter of fact, every time I took one of those ‘personality tests’, the jobs that I was always ended up being best suited for were those with any branch of the military, as either an officer or an enlisted soldier.  I was cut out to be in the military.  So…to have my career cut short by an invisible and unknown illness was devastating, to say the least.

About two years after leaving the Air Force, I started having difficulty with severe fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, sore throats, head-aches, unrefreshed sleep, cognitive problems, and anxiety and grumpiness related to the exhausted state I was in.  While showing up late to work one day (my mom was my boss as well as the owner of a five-star French-American Restaurant!), our bartender noticed that my lymph nodes were very enlarged and suggested I see a doctor, which I did.  He diagnosed me with Mono.  At 27 years of age, no less!  I followed the medical advice he gave me for a year but never got any better.  Finally, after numerous doctor appointments, test after test after test, and after being repeatedly told I was ‘depressed’ or ‘looking for attention’ one time too many, my doctor told me he had finally figured out what was wrong with me.  He informed me that I had Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS),  also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).  I, personally, hate the CFS name!  This is not your run of the mill fatigue!  Not to mention, fatigue is a symptom – not an illness!  Be that as it may,  I remember being conflicted at that very moment.  I was relieved that I finally knew what was wrong with me and that it wasn’t in my head.  But on the other hand, no one knew what this illness was, or what my journey would look like.  They did, however, know there was no cure.

The thought of living with this illness for one more day, let alone 20 more years was almost more than I could bear.  I sat  there watching all my dreams vanish and somehow understanding that my life would never be the same.

Being someone with a ‘pit bull’ constitution, I wasn’t going to give up.  The first few years I tried to continue forward with my life until I finally hit a brick wall and realized I was just making myself sicker by constantly ‘over-doing’ it.  About this time, my doctor informed me that I also had Fibromyalgia which explained the widespread skeletal pain and the extremely tender ‘spots’ I had developed throughout my body, as well as, the weird sleeping problems in which I would be wide awake during the night hours, while during the day, I could not stay awake.  It was as if someone had reversed the clock in my brain and my sleep mode had been moved to daylight hours while my awake mode had been slipped to the night hours.  Talk about frustrating!

While I moved forward and tried to come to terms with these illnesses and find ways to get as well as possible, I unfortunately found my recovery hindered by the very medical profession that I had always believed should help me to get well.  My mistaken belief prevented me from a possible full recovery that doctors and researchers now know is highly possible and likely in the first two years of these illnesses – if the appropriate treatment is undertaken early on.   Now I am in what Dr. Paul Cheney refers to as phase three, and if a cure is ever found, my possibility of recovering completely is almost impossible because recent research reveals that much permanent damage has been done and future medical treatments will not be able to undo that damage.

Sadly, in the early years of the illnesses, most doctors felt these illnesses were psychological (and some still do to this day) and had no problem constantly telling me that I was depressed, looking for attention, and lying.  The devastating part of these doctors comments for me wasn’t so much what they said.  It was that their comments kept me second guessing my instincts and my gut.  I knew I wasn’t crazy or mentally ill, yet, hearing doctors tell me over and over that the problem was in my head caused me to eventually come to a point where I wondered if they were right and I was wrong.

I tried to follow the ‘doctor’s advice’ for more than 15 years.  The results were hit and miss – miss being the more prominent result.  Finally, after being on every possible anti-depression medication, which I developed seizures on -  to being on constant narcotics for pain, I decided enough was enough!  It was time for me to take my life and health back – whatever that looked like.

It was then that I chose to start seeing a natural doctor and chiropractor.  I started slowly switching from medication to herbs.  I also started learning how to pace myself and monitor what helped and what didn’t.  If it didn’t help, I tossed it.  Eventually, I found myself 20 years out from the onset of these illness and in a better place.

My life isn’t perfect and I still have many awful days, but I now confront those days without the haze of numerous medications.  If I am in pain, I feel it.  If I am exhausted, I now can analyze how much energy I have without the drug induced fog of days past.  I have also stumbled – quite literally – upon herbs like Phenocane and Formula 303 that have given me back some control in my life.  These herbs have enabled me to adjust my pain regiment to the level of pain I am suffering with at this moment, or in the case of the Formula 3030, to take as much or as little ‘medication’ to help me sleep deeply and soundly as I need on any given night. Gone are the days where I am on Oxycodone 24/7, unable to function emotionally, physically or mentally.

I have been walking a long and arduous journey for over 20 years now.  As someone who is living with CFIDS and FMS, I have had to learn to adjust my goals, dreams and hopes in order to survive the devastating effects of these illnesses.  Yet, despite that, I have discovered that beneath this exterior called a body, lays a determined spirit that will not give up.  Although I spend most of my time within ‘four walls and a view’, I consider myself blessed beyond measure.

It is my hope and prayer that this blog will give hope and comfort to those who are walking out this difficult journey, as well as, help those who know people with either of these illness, understand what it is like in the day and life of a CFIDS/FMS sufferer.   Cervantes once said,

the pen is the tongue of the mind.

Thus, this is my way to chronicle this incredible journey that I inadvertently found myself on.  I didn’t ask for it.  I didn’t want it.  However,  I have learned to endure it and achieve new goals and dreams in spite of it.

I hope you will choose to take this journey with me.  It is a much easier road to walk if we share the journey with someone else.  If you would like to contact me, please feel free to do so through my contact form.