"Chess and red square"
Today, I broke down crying.
I had …just… had enough… of the pain.
I know that I am in a rebound cycle because I am seeing improvement in my energy levels and the FMS pain levels – as long as I stay on top of taking the Phenocane - but having had a really bad crash, the Fibromyalgia kicked in, which then triggered an old military injury in my lower back, which of course then caused my neck to slip out of place, thus, I ended up having some really bad headaches for most of the weekend. Phew! Did you get all that!
In addition, the lower back pain somehow pinched my sciatic nerve on the left and I have had pain running all the way down my hip, leg and underneath my left foot. I kept thinking of that saying…
when it rains, it pours.
I had planned on going to Claremore to see my wonderful Chiropractor, but mother nature decided to interfere, and I am now unable to go because of…Yup!…more snow. Groan. I specifically moved back to Oklahoma to get away from all the cold and snow! My youngest sister is getting quite a kick out of all this bad weather we keep getting! 
Anyway, when I feel this bad for a long, length of time, my thinking can become what I call stinking thinking and I have to literally grab hold of my cheeks, shake myself, and tell myself the truth.
This is only a small segment of the rest of my life and it will pass. I just have to hang in there.
Besides, I have learned that negativity only makes my life that much worse. So I have learned to find ways to stay as positive as I can.
However, there is something about pain which can alter my normally positive outlook in a heartbeat. I actually heard myself saying,
My life sucks! No cares about me. Why did this have to happen to me? I want my life back!
Well, you get the drift.
None of those statements is true and the minute the words came out of my mouth, I knew that. But I was so frustrated having to deal every second, of every day, for the past two weeks with fatigue, pain, cognitive impairment, or whatever. Ultimately, I think I just became overwhelmed by it all.
Today, I decided it was time to do something different. So I had a wonderful friend take me to the closest drugstore and I bought some of those warming pads and a large bottle of ibuprofen. I knew the headaches and back pain would not receded until I could get into see my chiropractor. I also realized that I was at the outer limits of my pain threshold.
After taking 6 ibuprofen over the next several hours, and slapping those little heated squares everywhere it hurt on my body, my back pain abated and my headaches decreased enough that I am now able to function. I am actually in a sitting position as I write this post. The past two have been done in a reclining position.
Even though I chose to not go to our community Super Bowl party tonight, it is nice just to be able to sit up and have a cup of tea with out enormous pain. I think my cognitive impairment is even better tonight. And I definitely see an increase in my energy levels.
So the moral of this lesson is to hang in there and try to find a way to think positively when I get lost in the midst of all the pain, fatigue and memory problems. In essence, I just have to keep telling myself the truth…I CAN do this…if I just do it one moment at at time.
Determined to continue forward,
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Much sympathy my friend! We wave a white flag and say – OK I’ve had enough now – but still it keeps coming. I admire your attitude.
Jo´s last blog ..Turning the corner and a question about fumes.
Jo – White flag of surrender – that is a good visual. I had never thought of it that way! Thanks. I hope you are doing well, Jo!
I don’t know what to say, just: big hugs to a very brave lady.
God bless you!
Jonie – I am doing better now that I got some additional meds in me. Thank God!
(((hugs)) Dominique. I so understand what you are writing about. Being in day 26 of a crash myself….your post makes so much sense to me. I too am trying to find the positives in this whole thing. Difficult to do when I can ‘hear’ that eye-rolling tone in the voice of the one person that did call.
I know where I want my life to be, which track I want to be on. I just need to figure out a way to get there from where I currently am.
I am thankful for fellow CFS/CFM bloggers who are so willing to share their journey, their struggles, their successes and their failures. They give me hope, encouragement, new things to try while letting me know I am not alone.
Thinking about you today, Dominique! Big (gentle) hugs.
Linda
(ohhh….and we also had a huge storm on Friday. It snowed for 24 hours straight. About 40 cms of snow fell and winds around 100 kms/h…I am so ready for spring!)
Linda´s last blog ..Snowfall and Sunrises….North Atlantic pics…
Linda – Oh my gosh! Day 26! Gentle hugs back at you Linda and a whole bunch of prayers! Holy Cow on the snow! It is snowing here in Tulsa, Oklahoma…yet again! So much for global WARMING! I am so done with the snow! I agree with you. I am ready for Spring!
I’m glad, Linda, that you are finding a way to connect and get hope, encouragement, etc.
Although many sufferers may not always be able to get support from those close to them, they can get it from those of us who share in this illness.
Hang in there and starting today I am going to pray everday for you to start feeling better until you do!
Thanks, Dominique. :’
Linda´s last blog ..Snowfall and Sunrises….North Atlantic pics…
Sorry to hear you are having back trouble too. Hope it improves soon….and that your chiropractic treatment works better than mine!
We have plenty of snow coming today again…storm warning here so getting cozy in our warm home…so grateful for that.
Take care ~ you are in my prayers.
Renee´s last blog ..Saturday’s Scribbles
Renee – Thank you. The ibuprofen is working so hopefully that will work until I can get in to see the chiropractor.
We are also getting snow. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and in the high 30’s so I am hoping it will not stay around long. Sunny….that sounds so nice!
Thank you for your prayers, Renee. Back at you!
I hope that you feel better, Dominique. This battle, particularly when you are having a crash, is a challenge. But, I am inspired to read that you are pressing on and finding glimmers of hope when things are tough.
Matt Keegan´s last blog ..Tebow Ad: Where Is The Controversy?
Matt – I am so sorry you keep getting sent to the spam folder! BTW, aren’t you using wordpress blogs? I tried to add your blogs to my dashboard to follow comments and wordpress didn’t recognize your blogs as wordpress blogs? Weird. They didn’t like Larry’s blog either.
Thank you!
[...] 4 Walls and a View – Dominique Small launched her newest site in January and has been doing very well. Instead of offering writing tips per se, Dominique uses her blog to advocate on behalf or chronicle illnesses, namely chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. By sharing her personal battle with these diseases Dominique does a wonderful job in educating people on a very personal level. She demonstrates that good writing can come forth despite life’s challenges. [...]
This crashing thing I get. For me it is doing a feather weight
bit of a little too much sending me from fatigue I can cope
with to exhaustion. But when not crashing I’m still profoundly
fatigued. So I’d be interested to know and since I only
personally know a handful of people with CFS – I want to know
do you really have remissions – meaning not just feeling less
profoundly fatigued but actually being able to go out for even
a short walk.
Oh that thing Dominique said about waiting in line at the store.
Wow that is an impossibility. I have to use the ride on carts.
I have normal to high bp, but the not being able to walk very
long or stand is due to very weak muscles not OI. I guess we are
all different even if we are a lot alike with CFS.
Patricia – I don’t ever use the word remission. I don’t think my illness is ever in remission. As I said before, I have good days and I have bad days. On my good days, I can take short walks. Most days, however, I don’t walk very far because it is too exhausting. I try to do a little every day like five minutes or so.
Actually, I know many CFIDS people like you. You are not alone. And they use the carts at the store to. I don’t because I am afraid I would ’cause an accident’ by getting overwhelmed. But I am mobile and able to do more than you sound like you can do. I can’t believe anyone would say they are in remission. That implies that we are well and we are most definitely not well.
I guess I got the word remission in my mind in response to
crash. You can crash from wherever you are. Right? Today
at church someone told me another member had CFS and had
good times and bad times. Language can be so trickly.
CDC info on CFS says people experience periods of remission. We do?
We try to compare and explain the best we can. What is so
wonderful about sharing is that we do lead the same kind of
limitations/lifestyles and so we can better understand and
feel understood even if we aren’t identical twins.
Patricia – Very true! If by remission they mean periods where we are doing better, than yes, I would agree with that. But my definition of remission means the illness is gone and may not return. That isn’t the case with CFIDS/ME. I so wish! But like I said, if they mean periods where we are functioning better, then yes.