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IN MEMORY
What I’m Listening 2
Tag Archives: Dekker
Boston and Bear …
I am sitting just outisde of Boston at my sister’s house and enjoying the white sky and the white ground. Everything is white. While it is really nice to see so much fluffy, white powder everywhere, it is also nice to know that this is a temporary thing and I can enjoy it for the moment knowing that I will soon be heading home soon. I heard back from the rescue organization – Homeward Bound – and I have passed …
Learning to LIVE like a DOG
As I sit here in the early morning hours, I am transfixed by the haphazard sprinkle of lights against the black canvas of night. Silence permeats the cloak of darkness, and yet, there is this innate knowing that city life is slowly awakening to brewing pots of coffee and tea, and that a new day will soon be in full force. The melancholiness of the hour mimicks my heart as I realize that today is the one year anniversary of …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, Dekker, friend, grief, hope, journey, life lessons, loss, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), personal, perspective, pugs
18 Comments
A Battle of Wills
So often people see only what they want to see. Other times, they see only what I allow them to see. It is those times when anger, darkness, frustration, and a sense of fuitility overtake me, that I desperately try to hide from the world. It is not a face that I want to put forward. Yet, I think to not show that face occassionaly would be a grave misjustice to myself, those who are sick like I am (especially …
Finding Solace from the Constant ME Onslaught
My week literally fell apart and I broke. I am noticing so many of us are enduring great challenges with our illness and bodies. Many of us are struggling with enduring. I, too, have been struggling. While I want to share where I am today with you, please don’t hear me ‘preaching’ at you. I just wanted to share what is helping me to hang on, to move forward, and to stay determined. For me, this week, I had a …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", 4 walls and a view, bad day, broken, cognitive, Dekker, facebook, journey, Kathi Wilson, ME, perspective, solace, Weary
9 Comments
A Letter from a ME Survivor to Everyone Else
Note: This was a difficult post for me to write but one I needed to write. I apologize upfront if I unintentionally offend anyone. That is not my heart. Just to create a deeper understanding. This post is to those who do not have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). It is from me, but I’m guessing it is something that many who suffer with this illness would also like to say. So, in essence I guess you could say this is a …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", 4 walls and a view, consequences, crash, Dekker, fatigue, friend, ME, perspective, write
90 Comments
a Triple Cord is NOT easily broken
This past Monday was a turning point for 4Walls and AView. It documented the one year mark since I launched this blog. As I look back at all that I have written this past year, as well as the comments and what has transpired as a result of the birthing of 4Walls and AView, I am deeply moved and humbled. When I originally decided to stop blogging about politics due to a decline in my health and my cognitive abilities, …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, aniversary, Dekker, FMS, health, hope, journey, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), perspective, strength, triple cord
25 Comments
Stand Firm
Grief is a funny thing… These past 3+ weeks since Dekker’s death have been a rollercoaster of emotions. These past few days have found me wanting to move past the grief, and yet, unable to. As I recently told a friend, it felt as if I was stuck in my life and nothing I tried helped me move forward. That is a very hopeless feeling. Several days ago, my friend, Cusp, sent me a note on Facebook telling me about …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, Dekker, grief, journey, life lessons, loss, personal, perspective, pugs
20 Comments
THIS is THAT truth
I find myself straddling a fence, one foot tentatively thrown over towards 2011, while the other is steadfastly anchored in 2010. As my spirit tries to lead me forward into a new year and a new day, my heart struggles to come to terms with letting go of the many things I lost throughout this past year. As I look out the window of my 4Walls and AView, I find myself reviewing 2010. Past years would find me looking for …
lessons I learned from a woman with autism
Sometimes life’s lessons come unexpectedly, and from places we could never imagine, such as books, movies – or even, a woman with autism. As you are well aware as a reader of my blog, I have been overcome with grief at having to have my beloved pug, Dekker Black, put to sleep. These past seven years were filled with a companionship I never truly understood until he was gone. While I knew the decision was right for Dekker, it is …
the gift of Dekker’s life through his death
It seems amazing to me that Dekker has been gone a week already. Somehow, I think my heart and soul have yet to get that message. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about why my grief has been so profound with Dekker’s passing. I lost a close friend who was like my brother in 2007, and the grief was not as consuming as this is. Thursday I thought the grief would literally kill me. My heart was going crazy. …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, death, Dekker, life, life lessons, loss, pugs
14 Comments
My apologies
I wanted to apologize up front. I never realized just how utterly devastated I would be over Dekker’s death. I’m really struggling. Writing – other than about my grief – is just too much. And to be honest, even writing about my grief is a challenge. Yesterday was really rough. I awoke to Dekker crying and went to his crate, only to realize it was a box and Dekker wasn’t here anymore. I’m struggling just to make sure I eat …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, Dekker, grief, loss, personal, short break
26 Comments
THE unpredictability Challenge and ME/CFS
Today started off well enough. It wasn’t a bad day, but it wasn’t a good day either. It was what has now become a normal day for me. At around 10 a.m. I took Dekker out for his daily morning walk. We walked a block and he did his peeing business. Then we walked another block and he did his pooping business. We then finished our last two (2) blocks at a little bakery in front of my apartment where …
One Smart PUG
Okay. Let me give you some background so I can help you understand why I had to post this today. I am trying to help Dekker understand that he is not allowed on my bed unless my white goose comforter is covered with a blanket or a sheet or something. Try as I might, he just didn’t seem to be getting the message. Or at least I didn’t think he was… This is what I witnessed when I finished up …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, Dekker, laughter, photography, pugs
22 Comments
Determined like Dekker
Losing my home and all my possessions wasn’t just hard on me. There is a black, furry, little guy that has really had a hard time adjusting. Dekker didn’t know what to make of the elevators when we first moved in. I actually can’t imagine…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, Dekker, determination, journey, life lessons, photographs, pugs
8 Comments
Photo Update
I thought I would do something a little different today. I’m going to share what is going on in my life through pictures. Enjoy!
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, crash, Dekker, photos, pugs, scenic photography
24 Comments
The Long Road Home – Part Four
Well, there is always an end to every story and this one has a beautiful ending! The first two days I was here, I really struggled with all the loss, however, once I acknowledged the loss and came to terms with it, I was finally able to move forward. And did I ever! I have to say, I already love it here. The view withstanding, the office people and maintenance people are unbelievably nice! Today…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, architecture, asthma, Dekker, journey, loss, Oklahoma, photography, Tulsa, view, winning
26 Comments
The Long Road Home – Part Three
Well, the last part of my story isn’t quite as fun as the first two. As a matter of fact, it was a very challenging and emotional part of the journey for me. I think – now that I have the ability to look back at what transpired – I was…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "Fibromyalgia Awareness Day", 4 walls and a view, asthma, Dekker, Fibromyalgia, friend, journey, pain, stress, wedding
16 Comments
When ALL is SAID and DONE
Yesterday proved to be a very challenging day for me. I was struggling with dizziness which seems to come and go, but when it hits, it is bad enough that I struggle doing just about anything. In addition…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, chronic fatigue syndrome, Dekker, Standing, wedding, winning
15 Comments
Good day with good news
I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you what I want to tell you without telling you what I can’t tell you! I know. Kinda crazy but then my life at this moment is … crazy! Well, I now have an attorney who is very nice and spoke to me at length. He was impressed with everything I have done up to now and explained the different options I have. Unfortunately…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 'side effects', 4 walls and a view, asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome, Dekker, fatigue, friend, health, mold
13 Comments
A blessing is coming
Where to even start?! Monday night, I received a gift in the mail from a friend who shares my passion for all things (books) Ted Dekker. She was able to score a copy of his new book, The Bride Collector, before me and then graciously decided to send it to me to read and keep! Don’t you love friends like that! Totally added some sunshine to a really challenging (previous) week! Because I received the book, I thought I would …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, death, Dekker, dogs, Fibromyalgia, fleas, mold
9 Comments
Improvements all around
I’m am doing better today about my decision to find Bronte a new home. Friday and Saturday were very challenging. I was constantly bombarded with horrible thoughts of her being hurt, mistreated or given to someone else. I had to grab my hold of myself and tell myself the truth a lot in those first 48 hours. Sunday and Monday were much easier and I was once again at peace. I kept remembering what Laurie (the lady who got Bronte) …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, chronic fatigue syndrome, Dekker, Fibromyalgia, health, personal, pugs
17 Comments
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