Translator
IN MEMORY
What I’m Listening 2
Tag Archives: health
i CAN’T do THIS
Note: I had posted on FB that I would have a play that I wrote up for today, but I moved it to Friday. I have this deep sense that this post needed to be published today. An urgency if you will. Please accept my apologies for the change. ___________________________ Several months ago, I ran into a brick wall. Many people on Facebook probably were witness to it. The impact shattered me as if I had been physically slapped. I …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "i CAN'T do THIS", "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", 4 walls and a view, bad day, friend, grief, health, ME, personal, perspective, Purpose, relapse
18 Comments
Defining Progress in Severe ME: Part 2: Living in Black and White
If you had asked me a year ago, ten years ago, or even two decades ago if I ever thought that Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.) would cause me to flee into the dark, I would have responded with a resounding, “No.” Today, I know that I would have been wrong … very wrong. Since January of 2011 I have been adapting to a life void of color. It is one that has now become eerily reminiscent to my beloved hobby: black …
Waiting for … Creativity
When I was in college (TCC) I had one play that just drove me crazy. I just could not make a connection with it. And of course, wouldn’t you know, I end up being cast in the play several years later! I, eventually, ended up coming to a place where I appreciated Samuel Beckett’s, Waiting for Godot, but it took my having to create a character for my acting role in order for me to get there. A few weeks …
Defining Progress in Severe M.E.: Part One -Breathing Issue
I recently skim read, Toxic Bedrooms, by Walter Bader which I received for free from LifeKind. They are the company I am planning on buying my organic mattress from. I am currently in the testing phase to make sure that I will not have breathing problems as a result of the organic materials they use. In addition, they have me checking to make sure I can also handle all the products together without breathing issues (you put all the samples …
A Battle of Wills
So often people see only what they want to see. Other times, they see only what I allow them to see. It is those times when anger, darkness, frustration, and a sense of fuitility overtake me, that I desperately try to hide from the world. It is not a face that I want to put forward. Yet, I think to not show that face occassionaly would be a grave misjustice to myself, those who are sick like I am (especially …
Dealing with Life’s In Between Chapters
This is my new column. Enjoy! Sometimes in life’s journey, we find ourselves living between two chapters, struggling with not returning to the chapter behind us, yet unsure of how, or when, to move forward and step into the next chapter that lays head of us. This transitional place is often challenging as it is not our normal, and very often forces us out of our comfort zone. For those of us who live with an illness – especially an …
Letter to My Family and Friends
To My family and Friends, I hope this finds you doing well. I’m writing this letter to ask for your help. As you may or may not know, my health has taken a serious down turn. Since the beginning of the year, I have been in a severe relapse as the result of having Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) and am now spending 20 hours or more a day in bed. I only leave my apartment for doctor appointments and only those …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", friend, health, help, letter, ME, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), relapse, update
24 Comments
The Energy Conundrum within ME
Before I share something I have been thinking about long and deep lately, I want to be as transparent as possible. This post is my understanding of what I believe is going on in my body in relation to how to better explain the devastating depths of the fatigue I constantly struggle with. I am not a researcher, scientist, or doctor. Having said that, however, I have now lived with this illness for 20+ years and I believe my ME …
March 2011 ME Story: Toni Bernhard
Today marks the second ME/CFS story being shared onBecoming VISIBLE 4ME by author, Toni Bernhard. Toni is the author of, How to Be Sick, and she has been dealing with the challenges of living with ME/CFS for a long time. As a Buddist, she has learned how to incorporate her faith into her life in order to come to terms with a difficult hand that was dealt her. Here is an excerpt of her story for your perusal. In the …
Life is kinder but ME is still kicking my butt!
I’m nicely ensconced back in my apartment, thankfully. As a result of this relapse, I have moved my bed into the living room temporarily. I figure it is 20+ steps less that I have to take to go into the kitchen so that can only help. On Sunday, I actually thought the relapse might be easing a bit as the morning was the best I have had in weeks. But I crashed like a bull in a china shop in …
ME and the Need for a Little Extra Help
I thought I should pop in and let you all know how I’m doing. As you may or may not be aware I have suffered a severe relapse. I have not been this bad since I first got sick 2 decades ago. My days primarily consist of resting in bed (as I have no couch) 24/7 with short 15-20 minutes breaks where I am able to get up. Any more than 15-20 minutes, however, and my legs go rubbery, my …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", 4 walls and a view, crash, fatigue, health, ME, personal
29 Comments
The Hour Glass Paradox
Have you ever played Boggle; the word game in which you create as many words as you can as your race against the flowing sand of the hour glass? You pick up your pencil, and place that clean, empty page before you, all the while steadying your nerves for the race against time that is about to ensue. Someone turns the hour glass over, and with a deliberate, measured pace, you start creating as many words as possible. You try …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "myalgic Encephalomyelitis", 4 walls and a view, crash, energy, fatigue, health, hour glass, journey, ME, paradox, symptom
11 Comments
Part Two: Post Traumatic Vision Syndrome (PTVS)
Well, if you didn’t catch part one, of this three part series, you can do so here. Now on to what I dug up on Post Traumatic Vision Syndrome or PTVS. The earliest article on visual issues in ME/CFS that I could find (with the help of my friend Laurel: hap tip!) was this one back in 2001 by the CFIDS Association. In it they explain that, There are few references in the literature to visual and/or ocular disturbances in …
Part One: Keeping an eye on my EYES
I have been getting ready for my eye appointment with my favorite eye doctor. I decided to do some research on whatever I could find concerning eye issues with ME/CFS. Mind you, this illness has been on the radar since at least the 1980′s. However, I was only able to find 4 articles! Is that crazy or what? Anyway, as a result I thought I would start writing about it on my blog because I have actually received several emails …
CHANGING the DANCE w/the Beast within ME
One of the things I have discovered throughout my life, and especially living with a chronic illness, is that life isn’t fair and it usually comes with a myriad of unexpected circumstances. Most of which require me to do one of two things: adjust and grow or complain and stay stuck. I’m am once again finding myself in a new place in this journey with ME/CFS. It is a very odd place to be and yet I have this amazing …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, crash, FMS, health, journey, life lessons, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), personal, perspective, relapse
33 Comments
Challenging CHANGES
As my readers know, the months that have followed my exposure to a toxic chemical have been full of challenges and changes. Even though I would rather forget about much of 2010, it appears that some of those challenges have now followed me into the New Year and I now have to confront them and find way to overcome or work around them. As you know I have been having a lot of trouble with dizziness. So much so I …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, audio books, books, crash, eyes, Fibromyalgia, health, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), read, reader, symptom, write
54 Comments
a Triple Cord is NOT easily broken
This past Monday was a turning point for 4Walls and AView. It documented the one year mark since I launched this blog. As I look back at all that I have written this past year, as well as the comments and what has transpired as a result of the birthing of 4Walls and AView, I am deeply moved and humbled. When I originally decided to stop blogging about politics due to a decline in my health and my cognitive abilities, …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, aniversary, Dekker, FMS, health, hope, journey, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), perspective, strength, triple cord
25 Comments
going LIMP
I am in my first, full-blown crash of this winter. And it is a pretty good one at that. Other than taking Dekker out to go potty (I really should find someone I can pay to take him out for crash times) and trying to eat regular (hard to do when you are wiped out), I am pretty much in bed. I guess you could say, I am going limp. For those of you who are scratching your head, wondering …
The merry-go-ride
Have you ever found yourself saying, I just can’t do this anymore? I don’t want to do this anymore? I’m at that place today. I sit here and wonder how will I get up tomorrow and do this, yet, again? I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I’m spent. For twenty long years I have fought. I have hoped. I have believed. But today, I’m empty. I know not where my hope comes from outside of God today. I feel …
Weary…
This will not be a long post. Just letting you know I’m okay but I have not been having a good day. I’m on day 4 of very little sleep. My lungs feel like there are on fire and I am just exhausted … and to be honest … weary. I received silverware today which was so nice. I have been using plastic silverware for the past month and then realized they were melting in my tea/coffee. Oops! So silverware …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, bad day, fatigue, health, homeless, write
12 Comments
Some things that are just not quite right
I haven’t spent a lot of time sharing with you all my progress physically since the poisoning in July. I have spent the last 3+ months detoxing and I actually think that has done wonders. Many of the symptoms have abated at the very least, and disappeared at the very best. However, now that I am in my own space and able to try to build a new schedule, if you will, I am noticing some things that are just …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, cognitive, finish the race, health, hope, journey, personal, symptom, winning
20 Comments
Determined to turn IT all around
The discussion of our (Chronic illness sufferers) relationship with our doctors has popped up throughout the web today on blogs as well as on Facebook. As a sufferer of a chronic illness (two in fact) that has mystified the science world, medical world and our government for decades, the doctor / patient relationship continues to prove to be the most challenging of all our relationships. As I mentioned yesterday…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome, determined, doctors, Fibromyalgia, flare-up, health, medication, pain, RADS, symptom
19 Comments
Lung Doctor Visit
Since I am not up to writing a post today, I wanted to make sure and let you all know I’m okay. I am, however, totally wiped out from taking a van and a bus to Muskogee (one hour away), spending the whole day at the VA, and then taking a van and bus to get home. On the positive side, I received some good news. Woo Hoo! However…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, Fibromyalgia, health, lungs, pain, R.A.D.S., Reactive Airway Disease, rest, sleep
2 Comments
The Long Road Home – Part One
Well … where do I start!? So much has happened since I last wrote 5+weeks ago. There is just no way I could tell you everything that has transpired in those five weeks, plus some of it, I don’t feel it would be appropriate t0 share here. Having said that, however, I can share the highlights with you! The wedding itself …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "The Long Road Home", 4 walls and a view, asthma, health, photography, wedding
26 Comments
All things that go up must come down
It has been said that, all things that go up must eventually come down. Unfortunately, that proves true with CFIDS and FMS more oft than not. Today, I have been feeling pretty bad. If I didn’t know better…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, bad day, chronic fatigue syndrome, crash, fatigue, health, life lessons, stress, winning
12 Comments
Sometimes YOU just HAVE to say NO
I think one of the hardest things for me to do – and most of us – is to say no. I don’t like to be disagreeable, however, sometimes the situation calls for it. As you may have noticed I have been conspicuously absent since last Thursday. Unfortunately, I landed in the ER at the VA yet again on Friday. What was supposed to be a fun day with my friend, just continued to escalate until I had turned grey …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, doctors, health, symptom, VA
24 Comments
Seeking FAMILIARITY and CONNECTION
I have never really given a lot of thought to the many things in my life that I am connected to that create a space of comfort, normalcy, and grounding for me until I recently lost all my possessions. Lately, however…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, friend, health, journey, life lessons
16 Comments
Turning the Corner
I thought I would update you all on the after-effects of the chemical poisoning. There is good news and then there is some not so good news. On the good news front, my gait is much better. I still have problems with my balance but if I am just walking around the house for short durations I am pretty much back to normal. It appears the detox herbs my natural doctor suggested are working. On the flip side…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged "turning the corner", 4 walls and a view, asthma, fatigue, health, herbs, hope, pain, stress, symptom
12 Comments
Coming to terms with loss and reality
For the past few days I have been sleeping, resting, and sleeping! I have been so utterly exhausted I haven’t been able to do much else. Monday I got out of my ’4Walls’ and went with one of my friends to Tulsa. We decided to hit one of the malls after the errands were all done. It is amazing to me how the smallest thing can suddenly stop me dead in my tracks. I was…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, chronic fatigue syndrome, cognitive, grief, health, hope, life lessons, loss
18 Comments
Good day with good news
I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you what I want to tell you without telling you what I can’t tell you! I know. Kinda crazy but then my life at this moment is … crazy! Well, I now have an attorney who is very nice and spoke to me at length. He was impressed with everything I have done up to now and explained the different options I have. Unfortunately…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 'side effects', 4 walls and a view, asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome, Dekker, fatigue, friend, health, mold
13 Comments
determining MY course
By most people’s standards, I should be ripping mad. And maybe I should be. But something deep inside me tells me that the only person that will get hurt through my anger at the apartment complex and the management company, is me. I have chosen, instead, to forgive them and move on. After a three day hospitalization, the VA discovered that my lungs are permanently damaged. I am now on three (3) inhalers as well as a completely new medication. …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome, course, determining, health, journey, life lessons, mold
29 Comments
A day of Firsts
If I had to label today with a phrase that best summed up my day, it would have to be “A day of Firsts” It was most definitely a day filled with many firsts. I finished writing my first column about midnight last night. As a sneak preview, my title is…
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, bloggers, firsts, health, mold, PF Chang
16 Comments
Improvements all around
I’m am doing better today about my decision to find Bronte a new home. Friday and Saturday were very challenging. I was constantly bombarded with horrible thoughts of her being hurt, mistreated or given to someone else. I had to grab my hold of myself and tell myself the truth a lot in those first 48 hours. Sunday and Monday were much easier and I was once again at peace. I kept remembering what Laurie (the lady who got Bronte) …
Posted in Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Tagged 4 walls and a view, chronic fatigue syndrome, Dekker, Fibromyalgia, health, personal, pugs
17 Comments
I am not alone…
Tonight the wind is whipping about outside, howling… alerting me to the wintry storm that is headed my way. Night has come and the wind keeps bumping up against my windows, reminding me of its presence. I cannot see my wonderful view tonight for mother nature has obscured it from my sight. Freezing rain clings to the window panels allowing me just a glimpse of what lays beyond the glass. The long lines of dripped, frozen rain, and the thousands …
On my terms…
I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my apartment, did laundry from start to finish, and accomplished all the other mundane things one does to keep things in their lives organized, in one day. I recall a time when I would get up at 5 a.m. to start my day. By 8 a.m. when the rest of the world was just getting up and engaging in their day, I had put in my run for the day, cleaned house …
The dreaded 10 day…
I wish you could have seen my view tonight. The sky was this incredible teal color as night was falling. Stunning! Unfortunately, today is the dreaded 10 day. Today is a horrible day. I have been sitting here for about 30 minutes trying to figure out if I could sit up long enough to write today’s post. I find if I hold my head to the side – it’s just too heavy today to hold straight up - and sit …
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